2002.04.03

GO GO GADGET DEMOCRACY


'd be shocked if Tip O'Neill came up with it himself but he's the guy who said it so he gets the credit. "All politics is local." The former Speaker of the House was refering to grassroots organization, fringe parties securing local office before moving up the ladder, etc. It's an idea which is important and partially true but ultimately dashed when you consider that most county- and municipal-level elections see a turnout that makes 2000's 50% turnout for the Presidential contest look like a global conference on the future of the future.

Yesterday was local election day in Wisconsin and I voted for the first time in almost a year and a half. My relationship with the format of American democracy was strained even before nine Supreme Court Justices decided who would be our 43rd President and that certainly didn't make things better. Were it not for the bridge referendum I probably wouldn't have bothered.

The bridge referendum is this year's hot button issue in De Pere. The Claude Allouez Bridge, the only bridge connecting the east and west halves of town, is a piece of garbage. It needs renovation or replacement. Looking at the issue like this, your initial assumption might be that a "Yes" vote means, "Yes, I want a new bridge." No. The wording of the referendum is this: "That the City of De Pere shall rebuild or repair, but retain a two-lane bridge on the existing Claude Allouez Bridge site in downtown De Pere." It's a bit of a shell game, because at no point does the referendum promise that a new bridge will come if this thing is voted down. There's supposedly state and federal money coming in to do just that if "No" prevails but who knows? The new Bush budget is going so far as to cut senior citizen heating assistance in cities like frigid Chicago so I wouldn't exactly be shocked to see the Small Wisconsin Suburb Bridge Replacement Fund gutted.

All that said, I voted No because Yes would mean closing the existing bridge during renovation, temporarily adding about five miles to what would otherwise be a 500 foot drive. Plus, I probably won't be living here by the time construction starts and definitely won't be living here by the time construction ends, so it's not my problem. Ain't democracy grand?

The other races -- municipal board, mayor, judges, etc. -- are none of them noteworthy. Several people ran unopposed for seats and I abstained only because I couldn't think of a really good write-in. There were two Coenens on my ballot -- Rita Coenen for Mayor and Janice Coenen for school board -- both of whom got my vote. My hope is that they're sisters with an intense sibling rivalry and that Rita only ran to annoy Janice, an incumbent. The county board member from district 22 is named Keith Watermolen. Even though he's running unopposed, I'd have gladly voted for him if I lived in district 22. Anyone named Watermolen deserves sympathy. I live in district 24, however, and choose Jerry Vokracka over incumbent Kenneth Simons. People who go by Kenneth rather than Ken or even Kenny have always kind of disturbed me.

I don't know what the situation is in Wisconsin regarding gubernatorial primaries but my guess is that this is the last time I'll be voting in Brown County. By the time the mid-terms arrive in November I'll be living in Madison, "the Berkeley of the midwest." I still have a big problem with letting the zombies around me put people in power but I have a feeling it'll be a little easier to stomach down there.

NUCLEAR EXODUS


uclear weaponry is just about as severe as it gets. A first-use nuclear military strike, such as the Bush administration is chomping at the bit to use against just about anybody, is completely insane. A situation has to be entirely irredeemable before I would advocate the use of nuclear weapons.

It's time to nuke Jerusalem. Hear me out.

When I were a lad, I was taught that if you can't share your toys nicely, your toys get taken away. For over 50 years, control and use of Jerusalem has been the key sticking point in the laughably named peace process between groups that could just as easily be called the Palestinian Jews and the Israeli Palestinians. In continually electing and following madmen, murderers and fiends, both sides have shown total unwillingness to play nice. So here's what we do.

First, give negotiation one last shot. Put Arafat and Sharon (or whoever the Prime Minister of the month is at that time) in a room with a representative of the U.S. military and a representative of the United Nations. Inform the two whiny bastards that a plan to level Jerusalem is being finalized and they have 48 hours to get their houses in order before the point of no return. If they call the bluff, we move on to step two.

An announcement goes out that, in two weeks' time, Jerusalem will be razed in a nuclear attack. On the way out of town, everybody will be handed $5,000. Stress as often as possible that this is not a joke, it's not a negotiating ploy, anyone still left in Jerusalem in two weeks will be vaporized in a series of blasts that make Hiroshima look like a champagne cork.

Thirteen days after the announcement, UN blue hats spend 24 hours sweeping the city to remove whatever stragglers they can find. If they insist on staying, well, hope you find some vindication in the afterlife.

Two weeks after the announcement, Jerusalem is destroyed. Severe? Yes. Unworkable? Most definitely. A sure-fire solution? Probably not. But my television does not allow me to reach through it and punch these people in the face myself and this really seems like the next best solution.

Aaron Veenstra is the managing editor of Etc. House Productions.
The Fast Lane appears weekly.