2002.04.08

Dear Sophie,

My boyfriend and I just broke up. He left me for a man and I am having a hard time dealing with it. What should I do?

-Confused


Dear Confused,


irst of all, you need to readjust your focus. You think this is all about you, but it isn't. When your man first sets off into the land of the rainbow, it's a difficult and chaos-filled time. I mean, really -- he has to redefine his entire universe and you're worried about yourself? Christ! How much more insensitive can you possibly be? This isn't about you at all. At least he didn't leave you for another woman. This way you don't have to sit around and wonder, "What's she got that I haven't got?" I mean, we all know what he's got that you haven't got. You aren't equipped to play on his team, so just let it go. At least now you have someone to go shopping with. Quit your crying. You make me sick.

Dear Sophie,

I think that I have a drinking problem. How can I tell for sure, and what can I do about it?

-Ginny

Dear Ginny,


f you think that you have a drinking problem, you need to immediately take stock of your life, really look at the way you are behaving and honestly evaluate your situation. Ask your friends. If they agree, you will need to get help immediately. Here is a list of things to check for to determine whether you may have a problem with the demon rum:

  • Have you ever blacked out while drinking?
  • Do you drink alone?
  • Do your friends ever have to tell you that you were "that chick" last night? (You know: "hey, didja see that chick?", "Look at what that chick is doing", "Oh, man, that chick just threw up", etc.)
  • Have you ever licked spilled alcohol off the bar because you didn't want to waste it?
  • Have you ever run into the proprietor of a bar in a town you moved away from five years ago and had them remember you? Vividly? To the point where they just yelled, "Oh, my God! How are you? We used to get so fucked up together!"
  • Is the only day of the week that you don't drink the one on which the bar is closed?
  • When people remind you of commitments that you forgot, is your first response, "I dunno...was I drunk then?"
  • Are you afraid that your old friends will have too many stories that begin, "Remember that one time we were drunk and..."?
  • Do you have drinks named after you in your local bar?
  • Do you get phone calls at the bar? Long-distance ones?
  • Does the bar call you if you're not there by 10:30?
  • Is your drink waiting at your bar stool when you get there?
  • Is your name on the stool?
  • Have you been given self-serve privileges at the bar?

If you can say yes to most of these, then you have a problem. If not, drink up and tell your friends to leave you alone. Alcohol is your friend now.

Dear Sophie,

I am having trouble meeting a nice girl to date. Do you know where I can meet one?

-Single and looking

Dear Single,



hat's got to be one of the most frequently asked things I have ever heard. Who's got that answer? You want me to give you "Confused's" phone number? She's free right now.

There are actually lots of things that people do to try to meet women and many of them are successful to some extent. It's actually incredibly easy to tell you things that you SHOULD do. Let me help you out by giving you some pointers on places not to go:

  • mental hospitals
  • police stations
  • ghetto street corners
  • tractor pulls
  • stock car races
  • trailer parks
  • communes
  • retirement homes
  • McDonald's
  • any fast-food establishment or shopping center food court

Things not to say:

  • your hobbies include hot sex
  • you still live with your parents
  • you are unemployed
  • you are in prison
  • you didn't really do it
  • you are married
  • you are currently living with someone
  • you have an Indian bead loom in your room
  • playing video games is your main hobby

What it boils down to is this: if any of us knew where or how to meet nice people of the opposite sex we'd be doing it right now, not writing letters to internet advice columnists. You think I'd be writing this damn column if I knew answers like that? No, I would not! Besides, you have to be a nice person to know nice people and where they hang out. I'm not one. Go ask your mommy to fix you up. I'm sure she'd be happy to help. Pussy.


Sophie is a licensed and bonded Soothsayer and an ordained minister in the Universal Life Church. Sophie Says Sooth appears weekly.