So Sophie,
I am thinking about asking out a girl I work with. We seem to have a lot in common and get along really well. Is it a good idea?
-Lovestruck
Hey Lovestruck,
o, you idiot, it is most certainly not a good idea to ask out a girl you work with. Have you ever heard pop psychologists walk around fully endorsing the idea of workplace romances? Ever hear the saying, "don't shit where you eat"? Yeah, that applies here, too. BAD idea. If you're looking for any sort of meaningful long-term relationship, keep your search the hell out of your office. Actually, keep the meaningless flings the hell out of your office, too. Unless it will really help you advance in your career or you're really sure that no one will ever find out. Then it's acceptable. Or if they're just really hot. Or if you're working late and no one else is in the office and you just happen to slip into a supply room where security cameras can't see you. And how old are you, anyway? Unless you're in high school and working at a restaurant of some sort, she is not a "girl." Most adult females prefer to be thought of and referred to as "women." Keep it in mind. No wonder you're single and looking to ask people out. With that sort of juvenile attitude, I am thoroughly surprised that you aren't just planning to give one of her friends a note at recess.
So Sophie,
I would like to meet and marry a foreign prince. Do you know how I can do this? It has always been my dream to be royalty.
-Wannabe
Hey Wannabe,
hat is a lofty goal, indeed. Have you stopped to consider that many, many people, women in particular, would like to accomplish this very thing? I mean, who doesn't want to be a beloved princess and have countless lackeys at their beck and call? We've all seen the movies and read the fairy tales about how the regular old girl is all of a sudden noticed by the prince and whisked away to live the rest of her life in some deliriously happy haze. This is, however, easier said than done. And, as you may be aware, there is not exactly a glut of eligible foreign princes around. Your main thing is to decide whether you want a real prince or one of those Indonesian or Arab types (there are hundreds of them and most of them are actually no one in particular). If you want a real prince from a good country, you could try advertising, but the best way to go about it is to go to Europe and hang around very elite places. Then you can spot someone with an entourage. Ask a bunch of questions and find out who he is and what he's about. If it's a woman with an entourage, she will most likely not help you, as royalty types are not really all that anxious to have someone like you just worm her way into a circle she had to fight and claw to get born into. Your best bet is to stick with the men and start getting to know people in the outer fringes of the entourage. After you get to know them, they'll introduce you to others who are closer in, etc. Soon you will be at the feet of the prince himself. After that you will mostly have to rely on supermodel good looks and charm. If you have neither of those things I suggest you acquire them before you even begin. Your other option is to hope for another special on Fox and audition.
So Sophie,
I am just setting up my own apartment for the first time. Up until now, I have lived with roommates in college neighborhood housing. I don't know exactly what to expect. Can you give me some hints?
-New at this
Hey New,
etting up your house for the first time is about the coolest thing that you will ever do. It is also about the scariest thing you will ever do. On the one hand, you finally get to move into a place that you picked out all by yourself. No more roommates keeping you up at night, no more roommates' significant others hogging your shower time, everything your way all the time. It's great. The feeling of complete and total independence is unbelievable. You will wonder how you ever lived with anyone else ever. Then after about three days of this (which in all likelihood is the longest you've ever stayed in the house alone), you'll start to get lonely. You'll realize that you don't know what to do when there are no other people in the house. You'll run up a huge phone bill because you're calling all of your friends wherever they may be, since you are afraid that you'll go stark raving mad if you don't have a non-work-related conversation with someone. You'll gain weight because without roommates to eat all your food, you will realize that cooking for one person sucks. So you'll start living on takeout and fast food. If you're lucky you'll notice before you get all the way through your 40-pound weight gain and head it off at the pass. But you probably won't. After a couple years of this, you'll start to wonder why you were lonely. You'll start to get irritated when people come over and you can't walk around the house naked or pick your nose or do any of the other weird things that you've become accustomed to doing when no one's around. You'll get to really like it. Then you'll start feeling sorry for people who still have roommates. You'll come to realize that it's worth the extra expense to have everything exactly how you like it. Enjoy. You'll never go back.
Sophie is a licensed and bonded Soothsayer and an ordained minister in the Universal Life Church. Sophie Says Sooth appears weekly.
