So Sophie,

I want to get my band (The LowTalkers -- http://www.lowtalkers.com) more publicity. What can I do, other than hoping to get my letters printed in Web-based advice columns? Oh, and blowjobs.

Hey Brian,

our publicity campaign is going to be helped a lot by the fact that your band doesn't completely suck, based on the samples I downloaded. This is a good sign. Publicity for a suck-ass band is a lot harder to spread. You may want to clarify what kind of music you play, though, since "The general sound of the group's latest set list contain many melodic songs combining the driving tone of roots rock and roll, warmed by the traditional sound of tube amplified guitars, and supported by a syncronized (sic) foundation of grooving bass lines and drum beats" seems to me that you're trying to impress people with a lot of fancy-sounding words that really don't tell me anything except that you apparently took a music appreciation class as a free elective in college and have trouble with your spellchecker.

How exactly do you plan to use blowjobs to further your musical career? Are you planning to administer them as needed to music types in the hopes that they will hire you? Are you asking me how to get your fans to give them to you? You need to be more specific here. Or, are you just asking me general questions about how blowjobs figure into the life of a musician. The answer to that is, try to get as many as you can. You will be happier for it. Avoid chicks with braces. If I have to explain that part, you have more serious issues to deal with.

So Sophie,

I'm romantically interested in a female acquaintance but tend to be shy and nervous around her. Is it okay to persuade a mutual friend to act as a spy for me?

Hey Secret Agent,

he short answer is yes, it is okay to ask a female friend to act as your spy. However, have you considered this prospect fully? I'm noticing that a lot of people think this tactic is a good idea but don't explore all of the possible ramifications of this course of action. To wit:

• Can the spy be trusted? Will she leak to the target that she has been sent on a mission? Will she also leak vital mission data? Will the information that she comes back with be delivered accurately and in a timely fashion?
• What are the spy's motives for agreeing to help you? Is she just trying to see you and the target hook up or is she secretly using the target as a means to infiltrate your defenses, get you to open up to her and thereby secretly trick you into transferring your affections in her direction? This is a tactic often employed by male spies of female secret agents, and it's entirely possible that the female branch of the spy network has caught on and adopted this method themselves.
• Is the spy already friends with the target? This may both help and hurt you. If she was friends with the target before being friends with you, then her loyalty may be in question. If she was not previously friends with the target, then her sudden chumminess may well set off suspicion, particularly if there was no love lost between them and the spy suddenly appears and is talking you up constantly.
• Women are sneaky by nature and if the spy is careless, the target will suspect something if your name keeps cropping up in conversation for no apparent reason. The name drop is an old trick. We all know it. It does, however, still work, because it consistently presents you as someone worthy of hooking up with.
• This leads us to another potential pitfall. If the spy is too positive about you, the target may wonder why the spy isn't already dating you. It would be best if the spy were already involved in a relationship with someone else, because then this possible question is averted.