So Sophie,

Is time travel possible? Do you know of any companies doing research in this area?

-Stuck

Hey Stuck,

he debate over whether time travel is possible has been raging for centuries. Fact is, you won't know. You could have endless debates yourself on this, or you could do like me and let the fact that you have the internet at your fingertips provide you with all of the knowledge you need. There are some great technology companies out on the market today, any one of which would be glad to take your hard-earned cash in return for a trip through the space-time continuum. Time travel isn't quite as easy as adding a flux capacitor to your Delorean (I mean, really, Deloreans don't really exist) but it's really very do-able. As a matter of fact, for a nominal fee, I can hook you up with the sales representative for a remarkable little company out of the central part of the galaxy that specializes in time travel and other custom technology needs. I mean, it's really pretty cheap and won't take long to set up. What the fuck do you mean, is time travel possible? It's a great alcohol-induced argument, one which I have to admit having frequently. If it is, though, it's not available in the here and now to all of you K-Mart shoppers and you can bet that visitors from the future will take care to go unnoticed. Ever see "Men in Black?" They're all here right now and just hanging out in places like Manhattan, where everyone looks like an alien anyway. There's also a pretty sizable bunch of them in the rural Midwest, where people make a great big point of ignoring newcomers. Anything that new people do that's even the least bit odd is passed off as something that "them city people" do. Why are you looking into time travel? Have you thought through the potential ramifications of having members of the general public traipsing through history? "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure" doesn't even come close to addressing it, so don't use that as the basis for any hypothesis you formulate. You really need to think about this more carefully. If indeed time travel is possible, do you really think the individuals who have this remarkable technology at their fingertips (if they have fingertips, that is) are going to go around advertising this shit? If I had my hands on a QX4000 Chronosync Motivator, for example, do you really think I would tell you? Then you'd just want to borrow it and shit. I'm not gonna let that baby out of my sight for one minute. Do you know what I had to do to get that thing? I'm going to have to undergo years of therapy to erase that memory from my brain. Those bastards on Valnator have some pretty brutal alternate payment plans, I tell you what. We aren't even going to go into the ramifications and ripple effects that can be caused by this sort of thing but they're extensive. Perhaps I'll go into it later. Can't right now. Caesar Augustus is having an orgy later tonight and I need to go figure out what I'm gonna wear.

So Sophie,

I cheated on my boyfriend and he dumped me. Things with the other guy didn't work out, but my boyfriend won't take me back. What do I do?

-Cheater

Hey Cheater,

ive me three good reasons why your boyfriend should take you back. I tried to come up with a couple but I really can't find any. Any person who would dump their significant other to see if the person they're cheating with will turn out to be better deserves to be left alone. That kind of conduct is absolutely inexcusable. I hope your (now) ex-boyfriend never speaks to you again. For that matter, I hope no man ever speaks to you again. You're despicable.

So Sophie,

If nothing sticks to Teflon, then how does Teflon stick to the pan?

-Curious

Hey Curious,

'm glad you asked that. According to the folks at Dupont, Teflon is actually made up of several layers, the first of which is basically a primer. The primer layer sticks to the roughened surface of the pan. The subsequent layers of Teflon coating stick to the primer and to each other. For more exciting Teflon facts, be sure to visit them at www.teflon.com. That's really kind of an obvious question, though. Wouldn't you think more people would have asked that? Why did you think you could waste my time writing in? Do you think I have nothing better to do? Did you even try to find the answer before you wrote in here? Any monkey with half a brain could have found that answer. It took all of one minute for me to get it. Geez.

Sophie is a licensed and bonded Soothsayer and an ordained minister in the Universal Life Church. Sophie Says Sooth appears weekly.