So Sophie,

I'm engaged to be married in several weeks. My fiancée and I have planned a wonderful tropical honeymoon and were really looking forward to it. The problem is that she is afraid to fly. She flatly refuses to even think about getting on airplane. I am a seasoned business traveler and feel that there is no reason to be scared at this point. I also do not want to lose the money that we had to invest in the plane tickets and the deposit on our beach villa. What do I do?

-Grounded

Hey Grounded,

hat's rather a tough question, isn't it? On the one hand, you're going to be newly married and the enormous clouds of billowing white happiness upon which you are about to be carried away for the rest of your natural life should be more than sufficient for you and why the hell aren't you just going to stop right there? Do you have any idea how many people search their entire lives to find one person with whom they would like to share the remainder? Do you understand how few people on this planet actually find true love? Damn. On the other hand, you need to take into account the statistical reality that over 50% of marriages these days end in divorce. By the time it's all over, you will have most likely gone into serious debt with the ceremony, the reception, the damn dress that she's only going to wear once and then keep in a box in a closet for the rest of time, the video that you'll never watch, the billions of pictures you'll never look at and a bunch of other crap, none of which was your idea. The very least you deserve is a tropical vacation filled with sun, fruity rum drinks and more sex than you've ever dreamed of which, let's be honest, is quite a damn lot. Tell the bitch she owes you and make her get on a plane. Bring up that old Eastern (I think) adage: A coward dies a thousand deaths, while a brave man dies but once. She might mention that she is neither brave nor a man but I fail to see why that should really be taken into account here (unless she is a man, in which case we've got way more issues to discuss that just a fear of flying). Tell her that it will build character and that she can't live in fear. Do not bring up the money or you will be opening yourself up to the whole "isn't my life worth more than that to you?" argument which, my friend, you will never win in a million trillion years. Don't try. Your other option is to be a big pussy, cancel the honeymoon and look forward to an eternity of henpecking. Your call.

So Sophie,

Do you know how to get bloodstains out of white silk pillowcases?

-Just asking

Hey Just,

wonder why I get the feeling that there's something you're not telling me here. When you ask questions like that, there are some very obvious secondary questions that I feel I must ask you: Is it human blood? Is it fresh or has it dried? Have you already tried washing the pillowcases? In what? Have you put them in a clothes dryer? Are you having trouble with demons in your bedroom? Is the donor still alive? If human, do you think they'll press charges or was it some sort of kinky cult/sex thing? How on earth do you think I can get a question like that and simply spew out an answer without getting some more facts? But, since this is a column and not a dialog, I'll have to do the best I can with the assumptions I'm going to draw. Provided that no previous washing attempts have been made and the blood is still wet, rinse the pillowcase in cold water thoroughly. Then apply some Didi Seven(tm) to the affected area and rub in thoroughly. Rinse it out. If that didn't work, mix up some Didi Seven solution according to the package directions and soak the pillowcase in it. Badger spot remover/carpet cleaner also works really well but I've only seen it for sale at county fairs, so I don't really know whether you can just go pick some up. There are some other cleaners on the market today that might do the trick but these are the two that I endorse. Mostly Didi Seven(tm), though. That shit kicks ass. If the blood has dried, you might try the aforementioned procedure, too, but I can't really promise you anything. You may have worse luck. If all else fails you could just burn the pillowcases. I'd much rather have the cops find burned up silk than a bloody pillowcase.

Sophie is a licensed and bonded Soothsayer and an ordained minister in the Universal Life Church. Sophie Says Sooth appears weekly.