So Sophie,

Every night when I go to sleep I get the unshakeable feeling that there are evil spirits all around my room. I can even feel them lurking behind me. There is a large mirror that I can see from my bed and I swear that I can see them reflected in there. I don't really want to tell any of my friends about this, since I am sure that they will just think I'm crazy. As a member of the clergy, are you aware of any actions I can take to get rid of this?

-Plagued

Hey Plagued,

mm... watch "Poltergeist" much? No, really, did you? Shit like that can leave deep psychological scars. Have you been experiencing undue amounts of trauma lately? Smoking some really good pot? No? Hmmm. I suspect that you have an overactive imagination and are letting the stress you are obviously feeling about something else get to you. Maybe they're just figurative demons. Actually, no, they're not. Your bedroom is most likely a portal into the depths of Hell. There a couple of ways to get rid of the demons. Now, pay attention. What you need to do is find a virgin (not yourself... that would work but then we're not going to get any long-term satisfaction out of this) and bind her to your bed. (You know, a male virgin would actually do well in the modern sense of the word but the word virgin is usually mistranslated from the ancient Hebrew and Greek. Since the ancients are the ones who dealt with this kind of shit on a regular basis, we're gonna play by their rules. The word "virgin" that we use today was written in the original as "young woman," not "one who has never had sex". Handy thing to know when you're looking for sacrificial victims, isn't it? Also makes better TV.) After you tie up the virgin/young woman (almost sounds like this is starting to get fun, don't it?), you will need an obscure, ancient book of spells and a ceremonial artifact that has been used in countless exorcisms throughout the ages. It will help if it's an artifact that has been thought to be lost for centuries but one that you just happened to stumble across in a box of junk in the back room of some obscure pawn shop in the seedy part of town. You will also need a priest who is fluent in Aramaic and/or several other dead Middle Eastern languages. (Everyone knows that that's where all the really good occult stuff comes from). Once you convince the priest to both believe your story and sign on to your quest, you'll have to bring him up to speed on the artifact and the spells. Have him come to your room at midnight on a full moon and set up shop with lots of candles and stuff. Then he'll have to do a lot of chanting and kill the virgin and cover the room with her sacred blood. That should pretty much do it. If you have trouble finding any of the aforementioned items and/or finding priests and virgins who are willing to go along with this plan, you do have several other options. Large amounts of sleeping pills is one. Copious amounts of alcohol ingested orally have also been known to really do wonders for a person's insomnia. You'll be so tired and drunk/high that you won't be able to be awake long enough to really start seeing demons. If that doesn't work, I suggest talking to your local psychiatrist. You might not think so at first but they have some damn good demon-expellin' pills.

So Sophie,

I am in a committed relationship with a man who I care for very much. We've been living together for a year and a half and get along very well. He treats me well and is kind, thoughtful and caring. But, we have some major differences. He'd like marriage, kids and the ideal suburban life. I think that I should not have to give up my career to stay home with children. Actually, I don't want children. I would prefer to live in a cool downtown loft and spend my free time travelling the globe. He wants a minivan, I want a BMW. He wants to live in Leave it to Beaver, I'd rather star in Friends. The goals we have seem too far apart to reach a compromise. How can we reconcile our differences?

-Not ready

Hey Not,

ou can't. Nope. No way. Can't be done. If you wanted the kids and he didn't, then there might be a chance. Guys can usually be brought around to a more old-fashioned way of thinking. Women like you, however, seldom change their minds. I might suggest trying to convince him to scrap the plans of Suburbia, but guys who are like yours are just too old-fashioned to refocus everything that they have grown up thinking. Better to just hang around until someone who matches what you're looking for comes along. Most likely, that's what he's already doing anyway. You should move out. Star in Sex and the City. Go get the loft. Throw wild parties. Don't invite him.

Sophie is a licensed and bonded Soothsayer and an ordained minister in the Universal Life Church. Sophie Says Sooth appears weekly.