So Sophie,

I am the parent of an extremely gifted child. My local school system is pressing me to advance him from second to fifth grade. Is this a good idea? What should I tell them?

-Mommy Dearest

Hey Mommy,

ongratulations. Every parent's dream is to have a gifted son or daughter. You get the bragging rights, the pleasure of watching them excel at everything they do intellectually and the admiration of school personnel, who all assume that you must be a phenomenal parent to have produced such a child. The temptation to advance your child in school is a strong one, especially since you want to see him/her challenged. Young children will even be pleased with the concept, since no one wants to be in school for longer than necessary. However, I can not discourage you strongly enough from such a move. Have you even begun to consider the long-term personal repercussions that your child will face? First off, the kids in his new class will not accept him. He will be the subject of endless teasing and mockery, and let's not forget the beatings that will surely be administered. Children are very unwilling to accept those who are somehow not exactly like the rest of them and the level of ostracism that smart kids face is rivaled only by that of fat kids. Actually, fat kids have an easier time of it because at least they are the same age as the rest of the children and not necessarily overly intelligent. The only thing worse is to be a smart fat kid. At that point, give up all hope of an emotionally easy childhood for him. Second, by skipping grades, your child will never develop the social skills that other children do. How can he? He's going to be immersed in a group that will be at a completely different stage of life than he is. Hormones will start flowing at a different time and, frankly, when you just got your driver's license, do you want to be hanging around a 13-year old kid? No, you do not. Which brings me to another point: do you want your child to never date? Do you? Do you think 18-year old girls are interested in 14-year old boys? No, they are not. When he gets to college, do you think that some 19-year old coed is going to want to date someone who isn't even old enough to have his driver's license? No, she will not. And lemme tell you something: the local high school kids want nothing to do with that kind of brainiac freak either. They find it incredibly intimidating and your child will most likely not be really interested in socializing with kids his own age at that point anyway, since they will have nothing in common and will be perceived as juvenile by your oh-so-worldly progeny. So you are basically condemning your child to a life devoid of close personal relationships, self confidence, social skills and happiness. Not to mention the fact that if the poor kid ever wanted to play sports or anything like that he will be three years behind everyone else in his grade and won't be physically developed enough to compete. Can you imagine an 11-year old kid trying to play high school football? Can you even begin to picture the injuries and locker room harassment? Do you want that for your child? I mean, you say that you care and I'm sure that you think you do but have you really thought this through completely? Will those few years really matter in the long run? Is it really worth it just to bolster your parental ego? Make your choice now, because your child will have to deal with it for the rest of his life. Better you keep the child with children his own age and give him extra academic stimulation while he's at home. Let him do his reading and research in the privacy of his room. Think Dexter's Lab. He'll be able to study whatever he wants and he can share his accomplishments with whomever he likes but won't be obligated to do so. He still won't be popular, because children are remarkably adept at sensing when there is someone different among them, but at least he'll have a shot at living a normal life.

So Sophie,

My friends make fun of me because I like to drink wines like Arbor Mist and Boone's Farm. I drink them because I really like the taste. How can I start cultivating a more sophisticated taste in wine so my yuppie friends leave me alone? If I hear one more snooty conversation about the quality of a particular Merlot, I may go insane!!

-No sommelier

Hey Sommy,

ou know, for someone who's not a wine snob and professes no knowledge of the stuff, I find the fact that you even know the word "sommelier" a bit suspect. Is it possible that you actually harbor a secret knowledge of wine and a taste for it but are too afraid to let go of your white trash surroundings to admit it? Are you still enrolled in college full time while your friends have moved on to become corporate sellouts? If you are not, then it's most likely time to ditch the Boone's and start buying wine with corks. Don't worry, a lot of it is still pretty cheap. If you want to start drinking real wine, I suggest you start with one of the sweeter whites. The culture shock isn't so big that way. A nice Riesling or Gewürztraminer will start you nicely. They're sweet and yummy and still taste a bit like juice but they're legitimate types of wine, so you won't have to feel like an ass when you go out to dinner with your friends. How 'bout that? After you drink those for a while, you can move on to other types. Get a copy of Wine for Dummies, if nothing else. You admitted you are one so you may as well own the book to prove it.

So Sophie,

Let's say I have a body just laying around. Say I don't really want it taking up my space any more. Is their any particular method I should use to eliminate it without having anyone find out about it?

-Extra

Hey Extra,

e're going to assume this body is human, OK? Otherwise, you could just bury it in a hole in your backyard or throw it in a dumpster or just eat it, depending on what kind of animal it is. Actually, all these options work for humans but are much more likely to arouse suspicion when you serve "Steveburgers" at your next picnic.

We're also going to assume that you don't particularly want anyone to know that you a) have a body and b) are trying to dispose of it. According to an acquaintance I have in law enforcement (read: a guy I went out with one time), there are several things you want to do next.

First of all, you want to separate the heads, hands and feet and place each of them in a separate brown paper bag. Make sure it's not a paper bag from some kind of local place. It's best to use a grocery bag from a large national supermarket chain. You want paper because it biodegrades faster, which will help eliminate traces that people can find later. Then you want to prep yourself for a week-long road trip. Put all of the body parts (cut up, packaged separately) into the trunk of a nondescript vehicle. Nothing too nice, no rental cars but nothing so junky that it will arouse suspicion.

Get yourself an airtight alibi for where you will be for the next week or so. If possible, arrange to have postcards sent from locations that are VERY far from where you are really going. On the course of your journey, have LARGE amounts of cash ($20 bills or smaller) that you will use to pay for absolutely everything. Using checks or credit cards will only alert authorities to the fact that you were there during a particular time and the last thing you want to do is leave a paper trail. Also get a fake ID and use it. If you don't know where to get a fake ID, then you probably shouldn't be in the business of disposing of human remains unlawfully.

Drive through several states, depositing one body part in remote locations of each. The reason for this is that state cops tend not to communicate with those from other states and this will really slow down any chance of someone finding out that parts of the same person are missing elsewhere. Seperation of the head, hands and feet ensures that law enforcement will have a difficult time identifying the person. If you pull all of the teeth and grind them up somehow this will be harder yet.

Once you've done this, hightail it back to your house and regale your friends with tales of the alibi trip. It will help if this supposed trip was to somewhere you've actually been so that you can talk about local attractions with authority. Good luck.

Sophie is a licensed and bonded Soothsayer and an ordained minister in the Universal Life Church. Sophie Says Sooth appears weekly.