2002.06.03

So Sophie,

Do you have a good recipe for chicken piccatta? Do you have to use chicken?

-Hungry

Hey Hungry,


s a matter of fact, I do have a good recipe for chicken piccatta. Here it is.

  • 4 chicken breasts
  • 1/2 cup cooking sherry
  • 1/4 cup capers, drained
  • juice of 1 lemon
  • 8 cloves garlic
  • olive oil
  • flour
  • salt and pepper

Flatten chicken breasts. Dredge in flour. Cook approximately 2 min./side in the olive oil and garlic. Add lemon juice and sherry. Stir. Add capers. Cook 3 min. Season w/ salt and pepper.

Simple, eh?

As far as whether you have to use chicken, you pretty much do. That's where they get the name "chicken piccatta." If you used, say, veal then it would be veal piccatta, now wouldn't it? Same with pork, Steve, etc. Have your deductive powers failed you completely? How on earth can you call something "chicken" anything without using so much as a tiny bit of chicken in it? Do you work in a school cafeteria of some sort? If that's the case, then forget what I just said, use any meat you want and call it whatever you want. Then let me know what kind of school actually serves dishes containing capers in its cafeteria.

So Sophie,

I've been wondering about the labels on household chemicals. Why don't they ever tell you what happens if you don't follow the directions? For example, the carton of bleach says not to mix it with ammonia. What happens if I do?

-Curious George

Hey George,


ou're an idiot. Has it ever occurred to you that hundreds of years' worth of chemistry experiments and the tragic deaths of a lot of idiots went into the development of those warning labels? You know how moms tell you stuff like "because I said so" and that just has to be a good enough explanation? It's kind of like that. Mixing chemicals can lead to the development of some even nastier sorts of chemicals and I think that this is something you might rather like to avoid. If you must know, however, mixing chlorine with ammonia triggers a chemical reaction the end product of which happens to be chlorine gas. Chlorine gas is deadly. You will die if you inhale it in any sort of quantity whatsoever.

So Sophie,

I haven't really done a lot of travelling in my life but my new job requires that I be on the road frequently. I am finding the heightened airport security quite intimidating. I am afraid that the worst will happen. If it does, what's the best way to act during an airport evacuation?

-Scaredy cat

Hey Scaredy,


've been doing a bit of travelling this year, and I don't think it's really too much different from day to day. Yes, there are some extreme circumstances that pop up now and then but I think that your odds of being a part of them are slim. Nevertheless, I'm glad you asked about airport evacuations. I happen to have personal experience in the matter. Knowing how to successfully conduct an evacuation is a difficult thing, especially since there are probably many different ways to accomplish this task successfully. On the other hand, there is a concrete list of things that one should certainly not do. Here are some of my firsthand observations on airport evacuation procedures.

  • One main "don't" is don't leave 15,000 people milling about a parking lot outside of the country's (and perhaps the world's) busiest airport for over four hours with no food, no water, no bathrooms, no shade and no access to any sort of transportation that would enable them to leave the premises. That one's important.
  • When you remove people from the airport, forget simply making an announcement. Send in uniformed National Guardsmen with big fucking guns to scream orders at those whom you wish to evacuate.
  • Also, be sure not to disseminate any information whatsoever about what's actually going on. It's really best to maintain an atmosphere of fear, frustration, anger and uncertainty. See above.
  • Keep moving the throngs of people from location to location, just to see how long it will take for everyone to listen to you.
  • Every so often, open the doors and pretend that you're going to start readmitting people. This will make sure that those outside keep paying attention to you.
  • When it's time to start letting people back into the airport, be sure to do it in extremely tiny groups spaced about 20-30 minutes apart. Again, people will pay attention to you and you will start to enjoy an enormous feeling of power and control, the likes of which you will most never experience again.
  • After you finally get back into the airport, be sure to scream at the gate agents. They were personally responsible for your inconvenience and have nothing else to do all day except try to make you feel better while buried under a torrent of verbal abuse. They are almost certain to work harder to get you home if they're scared of you. No one ever accomplished anything by being nice and reasonable.

Sophie is a licensed and bonded Soothsayer and an ordained minister in the Universal Life Church. Sophie Says Sooth appears weekly.