So Sophie,

I am starting to grow dissatisfied with my job. Over the last year I have watched the company make a lot of poor business decisions that seem to have been made in a vacuum. When I try to bring to light a lot of the fundamental design issues that go on with these initiatives, the bosses reprimands me for being too smart for my own good and exhibiting critical thinking skills. Why is this happening? Is there some way I can stop all of this?

-Downtrodden Genius

Hey Downtrodden,

o you honestly think that you're the first person on the face of the planet to grow dissatisfied with their job? Do you think that no one else has ever run into idiotic management or bosses who were so grossly out of touch with reality that it frightened people to imagine them in charge? Are you really the very first person to recognize "fundamental design issues" in a management initiative?

You are so, so wrong. I don't know whether it's possible for you to be more misguided. Yours is the sad plight of intelligent employees everywhere, resulting in the almost universal truth that the higher up the corporate ladder you climb, the less competent you are. If you're as competent as you think you are, you must be very low indeed.

The reason that this is happening to you is that managers don't like it when their employees see things that they missed. No one likes to be made to look like a fool, especially those who are signing the paychecks. These people like a yes-man. Apparently you are not one. As you can see by using some basic deductive reasoning (which you claim to be good at), these two things are not compatible with one another.

There are only two things you can do about this. The first one is to do exactly as the company asked you to do. Sit there quietly, without asking questions, doing exactly what they ask you to do -- no more, no less. Become their ideal Stepford employee. When things go wrong, no one will be able to point an accusatory finger at you and say that your negative attitude caused the project to fail.

The other thing you can do is to get your resume in shape and start handing it out to every corporate recruiter you can find. Don't stop there. Scour the job listings in every area of the country and get yourself out of that environment as soon as humanly possible.

So Sophie,

The other night I smoked some pot with a friend's bowl and she said there may have been some opium left in it. Judging by my reaction I'm pretty sure there was definitely some opium left in it. I actually had to be dragged to the bar and found myself begging people for water all night. What the hell?

-Thirstier than all good goddamn

Hey Thirsty,

ust what exactly was your reaction? Did it go something like this:

"So we smoked. A lot. I noticed after the first couple of hits that I was getting fucked up really fast. We smoked some more. I started getting thirsty. Unfortunately, I had lost all ability to walk. So I started promising people anything they wanted for a glass of water. One dude still has the deed to my eternal soul, I think.

"Then I wanted to make phone calls. Again, I am completely unable to dial the phone. I looked up the number for some friends. But I couldn't dial. So I made someone else do it for me. The call connected. They weren't home. So I left a message. I started out laughing, telling them how much fun we were having and then it degenerated into me sobbing about how much I loved them and missed them and how life just was never the same again.

"Then it was time to go to the bar. Luckily for me, it was across the street. It was lucky because I still couldn't walk. My friends had to carry me over there.

"At the bar, I met all sorts of new and interesting people. After my first drink, they took away my alcohol. I was starting to get kind of confused as to why I was so messed up, since I knew my pot wasn't that good. I started taking things from everyone around us. Watches, hats, wallets, etc. I started promising sexual favors as payment. When my skill was called into question I offered references. I started to call my ex-boyfriend so he could vouch for me. One guy kept me from doing that, for which I am still grateful.

"Then I got thirsty. Really thirsty. I wanted water. No one I was with would bring me any. At this point I stand up and shout to the crowded bar, 'I will give a blow job to any man in here who brings me a glass of water!' (The man:woman ratio at this school is about 6:1) I got water. Lots of it. More than I could drink in several lifetimes.

"So, in the interest of fairness. I offered to pay. Insisted on it, actually. Begged people to let me pay. I was denied. I was taken out of the bar and back to my room. They dumped me in there and left while I was offering to pay them instead.

"I passed out."

If this is sort of how your story goes then you're lucky that's all you did. Don't fuck around with that stuff when you don't know what it'll do to you. And for heaven's sake, don't smoke out of other people's bowls!