So Sophie,

I have just spent the better part of the day, of course I'm at work... do you think I'd waste my time like this at home, reading your columns. From the sounds of it you're actually the one that is asking for the advice and giving it, can this be true? Oh, and I piss the bed.

-Stained Sheets

Hey Stained,

s much as many people might like to think that I'm insane enough to write myself questions on the internet, your answer is "no". The questions in my column come from concerned readers like yourself who all have some sort of issue that they think I can magically solve for them. Thanks for asking, nitwit.

And now... regarding your bedwetting problem. Since you're at work I'd say it's fairly safe to assume that you're an adult. If you're still wetting the bed at this point I think you might have a problem.

The Henry Ford Health System has this to say: "Most likely there is nothing wrong, this was just a strange occurrence. Sometimes after drinking alcohol, I have heard of this problem. But if you don't have any other neurological symptoms, I would not worry about it. However, there are several serious conditions that can present with similar problems and if it happens again, I think you need to bring it to the attention of a doctor immediately. You would need a full bladder work-up to rule out infection, and voiding dysfunction. You would need a post void residual reading to make sure your bladder is able to fully empty. I debated on whether or not to give you the following information, but I strongly urge you to put the information I give you into context. I repeat, this is most likely an isolated occurrence.

"MS is one of the most common neurologic diseases causing voiding dysfunction. The disease is caused by impairment of the conduction nerves involved in the function of the bladder. 50-88% of patients with this disease complain of some type of urinary tract dysfunction at some time during their disease process. Bladder involvement is part of the presenting symptoms in approximately 10% of patients. The primary urologic findings include, an overactive bladder which squeezes when it is not supposed to, a nonfunctioning (atonic) bladder that cannot squeeze at all, and a bladder that can squeeze but the sphincter or valve to empty the bladder won't open properly.

"Remember, keep an eye on your situation. If it happens again, I would see a urologist. This information is provided for general medical educational purposes only. Please consult your physician for diagnostic and treatment options pertaining to your specific medical condition. More individualized care is available at the Henry Ford Hospital and its satellites (1 800 653-6568)."

Go get some help, bedwetter. Perhaps if you spent more time fixing your mental problems instead of nitpicking other people's advice columns you wouldn't have these issues at all.

So Sophie,

How well must you know someone before you can ask them to look in on your pet birds while you're on vacation?

-Anxious Aviphile

Hey Anxious,

ou don't really need to know a person intimately or anything before you ask them to watch your stuff or feed your pets. All that you really need is a reasonable sense of certainty that if you give them a key to your house all your shit will still be there when you get back and the place won't be trashed. When pets are involved the only criterion that you need to add is the reassurance that said petwatcher will actually remember to show up. Believe me, that bit is important. I once asked a friend to feed my fish while I was gone on vacation. The friend forgot. When I got home 50% of my fish population was no more. And let me tell you something right now. Coming home from a 6-day vacation to a house that reeks of dead rotting fish is NOT pleasant. Cleanup and stench removal are nightmares unto themselves.

So Sophie,

I'm thinking about giving up, joining the rest of the world, and getting a cellular phone. What kind of features should I look for?

-Luddite

Hey Ludd,

irst off, congratulations for deciding to rejoin society. Likely, it's missed you. There is not really any one given set of features that's going to work for everyone when it comes to mobile phones but you'll certainly want one that switches from digital to analog. Then all you have to do is see whether you like what it's got in the line of features and pick out a calling plan. Again, I can't tell you what you'll need. I suggest you go to a phone store and waste their time asking questions like this. They're paid for just this sort of thing.