So Sophie,

I was recently asked to be a bridesmaid at a friend's wedding. I've never been one before and I'm wondering what exactly will be expected of me for the ceremony. It seems confusing. Can you help?

-Virgin Bridesmaid

Hey Virgin,

eing asked to be a bridesmaid for a friend is indeed a great honor. The bride needs to whittle down her closest friends in the world to a list of perhaps three or four and ask them to spend inordinate amounts of money and time to make sure that her dream wedding is picture perfect. How could a person not wish to make sure that everything goes smoothly?

To understand where you fit into the big picture, it's important to understand where the concept of the bridesmaid comes from.

In the old days, when marriage by capture was incredibly common, if not expected, a maiden was guarded by her family to prevent her kidnapping. In later centuries this was enacted as a sort of game at country weddings. The bridegroom, gaily attired, coming for his bride, was confronted by a bevy of maidens all dressed exactly alike. His part of the play was to detect his true love, "forsaking all others," and bear her away to the church.

As recently as Victorian times, bridesmaids often wore white dresses and even short bridal veils, looking like brides themselves. The best friend was designated first bridesmaid. Maid and matron of honor are modern designations in line with our smaller wedding parties. It was once required that ten witnesses be present at a marriage ceremony to outsmart jealous demons. (I don't know who really thought this would work but let's play along for the sake of the story.) Bridesmaids dressed similarly to the bride and groomsmen's attire resembled the groom's in an attempt to confuse the spirits who wanted to harm the couple. If the spirits could not tell the bride and groom apart from attendants, they would not be able to carry out their plans.

There. Now you know where bridesmaids come from and what they were originally intended for. Who can't help but be flattered by being asked to be demon fodder for a friend?

The traditional 20th century bridesmaid duties are to help the bride do everything she may need help with while planning the wedding. This includes going with her to help select flowers, dresses, shoes, etc.; looking at menus for the dinner; addressing invitations; and keeping track of guests' responses. (I strongly suggest trying to get on the dress selection process. It's a rare bride who chooses dresses that are flattering on her bridesmaids and are actually presentable in public.)

You are also responsible for helping the maid of honor plan and host the bridal shower. This includes helping to pay for it. You must attend all other parties (even if you need to travel to get there), the rehearsal and the rehearsal dinner.

On the day of the ceremony, the bridesmaids are expected to get themselves ready and then do whatever they need to in order to help the bride get ready. They also need to keep her calm and composed and make sure that, during the reception, she has enough to eat and drink. After all, she'll have a big night ahead of her.

After the reception, you need to be available to help transport the wedding gifts to the site of the gift opening, so the bride and groom don't have to worry about them.

These are the traditional duties of the bridesmaid as they have evolved over the last couple hundred years. The modern duties of the bridesmaid include several additional sets of expectations, though.

First of all, you are expected to throw a bachelorette party for the bride, in which you all get drunk, act like idiots, pay for all of the bride's drinks and generally draw a lot of attention to yourselves. There should be a lot of little penis-shaped party favors involved and you will also need to purchase some sort of pseudo gag gift for the bride.

Be mildly intoxicated the morning of the wedding and make sure that you've brought enough alcohol with you to loosen the bride up a little, too. She'll likely be nervous and it's your job to calm her nerves as best you can.

After the ceremony, you are going to be expected to get completely drunk at the reception and make a spectacle of yourself. Be sure to flirt with everyone you can find, especially that drunk uncle who no one really wanted to invite anyway.

You also need to be sure that you don't go back to your hotel room alone. Pick someone (at random, if need be, but preferably the groomsman you were paired up with) and make it clear to everyone that he will be accompanying you back to your hotel room later. Then follow through with that and give the man the night of his life. Don't worry about how this will affect your future reputation: it won't. You don't think the expression "off like a bridesmaid's dress" came up out of nowhere, do you? It will hurt your social standing far more if you go home alone.

Hope you enjoy the wedding; you will if you keep your responsibilities firmly in mind. Thanks for asking.