So Sophie,

A recent episode of Sex in the City (the Weight Watcher's / overeater show) got me thinking, are there certain rule of bedroom etiquette that should always be followed? Are there some that have some "wiggle room"?

-Concerned

Hey Concerned,

here most certainly are rules of bedroom etiquette and they're equally important for both men and women. Here are some of the big ones that must be followed strictly:

• Cleanliness can not be stressed enough
• Both parties must always have the opportunity for an orgasm
• Save any kinky activities until you have slept together several times (anal sex, handcuffs, etc.)
• Oral sex must always be reciprocated, unless the obligation is specifically waived
• If what your partner was just doing gave you the best orgasm of your life, kiss them without obsessing about where their mouth has just been
• Yelling out of other parties' names is strictly prohibited
• Staying the night is not optional (unless a waiver is granted before any sexual activity commences)
• Don't hog the blankets
• Men, immediately turning over and going to sleep is not advisable if you ever want a repeat performance
• Keep bodily functions to a minimum
• Never fall asleep during sex
• Men, when receiving oral sex, it's advisable to either withdraw or issue a warning before you ejaculate

These next few rules are not quite as strict but I still advise following them:

• Your pants should not be the first item of clothing removed
• Socks should always be removed
• Keep your toenails trimmed
• Women, make sure you've shaved
• After sex, pajamas are optional
• Snoring is never appreciated -- take steps to reduce it
• Some people don't like to sleep while touching -- it's not you, they just need their space
• If you're the guest, make sure you're not sleeping on the other person's "side" of the bed

So Sophie,

I greatly enjoy reading the advice you dispense to your readers. I am fascinated and impressed at your broad range of knowledge and pleasant way of informing readers without making them all feel like they are missing some integral part of humanhood.

That said, I have a quick question:

Have you found any way in your experience or wanderings for a parent to gently let her children go to their own lives without worrying incessantly and letting them know about it? I seem to have the moving on part down fairly well for one child, and the other on the way, but the worrying continues. I am trying not to mention this to either of my children, but it occasionally slips out, to the chagrin of both speaker (me) and listener (either or both of my offspring). Do you have any suggestions?

-Mom in the middle

Hey Mom,

etting go of one's adult children is a near-universal issue for modern parents. In older generations, it never came up because children typically lived in their parents' houses until marriage and sometimes even after that. Even if children did not live with their parents as adults, they generally lived in the same area and had the same occupation so it was easy for parents to still feel linked.

Many experts agree that adult children still need parenting but in a different way, under different rules. While it's very likely that you still tend to view your offspring as children, it's important for you to realize that they are, in fact, adults, and view themselves as such. They no longer need your advice about every tiny decision that they are making. They likely only want your approval on the decisions that they've already made on their own.

In order for you to enjoy an adult relationship with your children, it is important to remain connected throughout the letting go process. If you've done that, it will be a lot easier for you to do this while you continue to let go. Continued communication, both written and verbal, is. Mail is almost always more fun to find than an empty mailbox. There is e-mail, too, but a real letter, on paper, is always just a bit more meaningful. Phone calls are welcome, especially at agreed upon times. Your children are busy, you know, with social lives of their own. And a standing invitation by parents for children to call or come visit means that the communication lines are open and you are ready to be a parent again, or still, if needed.

When you call your children unexpectedly, do not express concern if they were out until 4, 5 or 6 AM. They are now the masters of their own bedtimes. If someone of the opposite sex answers the telephone at 7 AM on a Sunday, say nothing. Your children are not interested in hearing lectures. It is no longer your prerogative to criticize their lifestyle choices.

One especially important thing for you to keep in mind is that you have to be prepared to watch your children fail. They are adults now and you can't remain available for them as a safety net. They need to realize that Mom will not always be there to pick them up after they fall down. This is an extremely difficult thing for many parents to do but it's key. They'll feel better about themselves if they can succeed on their own and you will be able to share in their achievements not as a parent but as a friend.