So Sophie,

At the end of August I will be going off to college. What do I need to know? What should I bring with me? Are there any things that I absolutely must have in my dorm room to make life easier? Will college life be a lot different that I'm used to?

-Fresh Meat Again

Hey Fresh,

h, yes. The joys of college. Once again, it's time for fresh-faced idealistic youngsters from all walks of life to pack up what few belongings they have that will fit in the back of mom's SUV and drive off to College, where their lives are About To Begin. College life will be like nothing you've ever experienced before and, if you're like most other people, you will never experience it again. A wise freshman would savor the joys while they're there; five or six years may seem like an eternity now, but they'll be gone before you know it and you'll be sitting in your cubicle at your 8-6 office job wishing for the day you could blow off class and drive around all afternoon.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. There's so much that you should know. I can't even begin to tell you everything and a lot of it is idiosyncratic to the particular institution you will be attending, so that you'll have to discover for yourself.

The most important things you can keep at the front of your mind at all times are the following.

1. Always look out for number one. This is important. In college, no one will care whether you do your homework or not. As a matter of fact, there are no repercussions if you don't go to class, either. There will be no one to tell you when or even IF you should be home. But there's a downside. If you feel like you're getting screwed over by a professor or the administration, there will be no one to call them for you and complain. If you think you should have done better on an exam than you did or if you need to miss class for some reason and would like an excused absence, there is no one to make these arrangements for you. Everything that happens to you from here on out is your own doing. Be careful, stick up for yourself, go to class and do your homework and everything should be fine.
2. Stay away from the Greeks. Now, I've got nothing against natives of the country of Greece. I would like to be quite clear in expressing my heartfelt admiration for the Grecian people. But these are not the Greeks of which I speak. The ones I'm talking about are members of fraternal organizations. You may decide later that being a member is the right choice for you (you're wrong in most cases) but by all means avoid them during your first year. They will drain you of every bit of your spare time, making it next to impossible for you to get any work at all done. They will also drain your wallet, charging you fees upwards of several hundred dollars per year to be a member and have them as friends. If you have a decent personality you won't need to rent friends and you'll be free to go meet whomever you like.
3. Never pass up free food or free beer. This one speaks for itself. If I have to explain it, you should look into another year of high school before you go anywhere.

As far as things that you need to bring go, clothes and CD's should just about do it. You'll be busy enough reading your textbooks so there will be no need to bring those. Sentimental high school trinkets and posters seem like a good idea but you'll forget about them after a week or two and then they'll just be cluttering up your dorm room. Bring a microwave if your dorm allows them. If not, at least get a hot pot so that you can make instant soup and ramen noodles. Get to like ramen noodles. There are many nights when these will be far superior to anything that you will be able to get in the cafeteria.

Never take 8 AM classes. Ever. You'll start the term with grand ideas of going to class but by the third week you'll be missing at least every other one. Never take a class that starts before 10 am unless you can't help it. Once you've signed up for a class, go to it. Do the homework. These seem like fairly basic concepts to you, I'm sure, but that's because up until this point you've been legally obligated to attend class. No more. If you don't go you will quickly find that you have failed. This will turn your grand four-year adventure into the best five or six years of your life.

Avoid graduation at all possible costs. This may sound crazy now, but by the time you're out of school for a year you'll know exactly what I'm talking about and you'll really start to miss caring about back-to-school sales. Enjoy this time while you can. And make sure your parents always call you before coming to visit.