So Sophie,

I've always been one for eating strange things that aren't necessarily considered food items, like dirt, paste, glue, and sometimes paint. Lately, I've started swallowing sharp bits of wire. They hurt like hell, but I can't seem to stop. Last time, I almost had to go to the hospital when one bit got lodged in my throat. What should I do?

-Eating like a freak

Hey Eating,

hile I'm not going to argue with you that you are a freak, your problem is not entirely unheard of. The practice of eating dirt (geophagy) has been well documented in areas of the world for hundreds of years. It's typically something done by pregnant women in Central Africa to fulfill additional demand for nutrients caused by the needs of the developing fetus. The clay commonly ingested in Africa contains important nutrients such as phosphorus, potassium, magnesium, copper, zinc, manganese and iron. However, because my readership does not (to my knowledge) extend to remote parts of Africa that have no electricity and advanced medicine, I am forced to the conclusion that this situation does not apply to you. Stop eating dirt! You have no need for this.

As far as the rest of the shit you seem to be unable to cease putting in your mouth, there's a name for that condition, too. It's called pica. It usually indicates a mineral deficiency of some kind but it can also cause more problems than it solves. Go see a shrink and a regular doctor.

I mean, really... why the hell would you start eating wire? At what point does this start to seem like a good idea? And didn't you think ahead to the part wherein you realize that cut wire is sharp? Do you have any idea of the severity of the damage caused by an intestinal puncture? Not only would it hurt like hell, as you so astutely mention, but the infection resulting from the spread of bacteria and decomposing food in parts of the body that were not designed for such a thing would most likely kill you. Yes, that's right. If you don't knock this off, you will die. So take your pick: wire or life... what'll it be?

So Sophie,

Last year, new people, a husband and wife and two children, moved into the apartment above mine. In the interest of being neighborly, I went up with a housewarming gift and to say hi. They seemed nice enough and things were fine. The husband then started coming over to say hi and to chat. His visits got more frequent and he was soon coming over almost every day. I was getting irritated, since I didn't really like him that much but never said anything because I was trying to be polite. Then one day, he propositioned me. I immediately told him that he had to leave my house because I was uncomfortable with the situation. However, this does not seem to have stopped the unwanted attention. He follows me everywhere and if I don't answer the door when he knocks, he checks to see if my car is there and then knocks on my door until I answer. I'm getting seriously freaked out by the whole thing. I also found out that he has a criminal record (drug dealing and assault) and it's making me too scared to tell him off. What should I do?

-Scared in my own home

Hey Scared,

he first thing you should do is tell your building manager or landlord that this person is harassing you. No one wants to be on the receiving end of unrequited love and it's worse when it's in your own building. It's also creepy when it's a married man who should be spending his time thinking about his wife and family instead of you. And when the guy is a convicted criminal, it's even harder to get yourself out of the situation. Telling the manager will give you leverage, especially if this behavior continues to escalate. If he doesn't stop after you've had the manager talk to him, then you need to tell his wife. She'll likely have something to say about his coming over to see you all the time. And if nothing else, you should call the police. Probably stalking women violates some sort of parole agreement and then he'll have to go back to jail, at which point he will be out of your way forever. Let this be a lesson to you about getting too friendly with people who make you uncomfortable. You should have told him to stop visiting the moment he started to make you uncomfortable instead of letting it get to this point.