So Sophie,

I'm a big fan of indie rock but recently I've become concerned that I only like it because it lets me feel different from the madding crowd. How can I tell if I'm secretly a poseur?

-Confused Emo Kid

Hey Confused,

irst off, let me start out by telling you that you are indeed a poseur. You wanna know how I know? Because you spelled it "poseur." Were you not pretending mightily to be something you're not, you would have picked a different spelling entirely for that word. Does it really need a "u"? I don't think so. Why don't you try going back to standard English spellings of words? That might help you to feel a lot more normal right off the bat. What is it about you people that makes you want to pretend you're better and/or different than everyone else, anyway? Not that I'm saying that listening to top 40 pop songs on a non-stop basis is healthy and good, but there's nothing wrong with liking some mainstream music now and then. And if no one else you know likes or listens to these bands because you're too out there and cutting edge for them, you're rapidly losing some of the common ground that makes you friends. And how the hell do you expect to be able to go on road trips with these people? No one likes to listen to that shit all the time in the car.

I'm sure that you are far from the only kid out there who decided that they were going to like indie rock just to be different from everyone else. The only problem is that indie rock really isn't very good a lot of the time and then what happens is that a particular group gets big only because enough kids decide that this particular sucktacular sound is better than the rest of them. You know what happens then? That's right... no one is independent anymore. Sure, the "artist" is still travelling around to shows in a beat-up van and sharing digs with half-assed fans and still can't get the time of day from a major record label, but the fans are no longer cool about being fans and are acting no differently from listeners of music that gets mainstream radio airplay.

You know why I don't like indie rock? Because it sucks. It all sounds the same and it's usually a batch of poorly mixed sounds that are so unbalanced that it's hard to even hear the vocals over the top. And if the vocals are audible, then it's next to impossible to discern what they're saying. I can't even make out individual words, much less put together a sentence of some sort. Are these people not even speaking in English?

And here's another thing: what the hell is emo, anyway? When, exactly, did this term take on any sort of meaning? I did some research on behalf of the non-poseur segment of my audience and came up with the following definition based on several internet sources. The question of what emo is is difficult to answer because it's different for every music listener. Apparently, there are heated debates on this very topic raging all over sections of the internet and in raves across the world. No one, including the fans of this stuff, seems to know what emo means. The term emo can be loosely traced back to the word emotional. One fan states, "I think it is basically a really OBVIOUS description. It's saying, hey these guys put emotion into their music. Can you say that with me, class? e-m-o-t-i-o-n." This fan is an idiot. If the meaning is so blatantly obvious, why does its definition seem so elusive?

Isn't all music emotional? Jennifer, an emo zealot from Florida, defines emo in terms of its emotive nature: "To me emo is every note in every song which represents a tear or sob pursued by the hardships of broken hearts and unforgettable loves. Emo is the means by which talented musicians express feelings the only way they know how." Jennifer is also an idiot. I think emo is perhaps better defined as "angst-ridden". But you know what? I don't really like indie rock anyway so I don't care.

This is getting a little off track. Emo kid, if you're to the point where you think that you only like indie rock because it offsets you from mainstream society, then you've hit the proverbial nail right on the head: you do only like it for that reason. Are you okay with that? Then again, you may have to give up your mad pretend love for this music anyway, since it seems to be heading mainstream. A recent issue of Seventeen magazine contained an article on how to dress "emo." You know your silly little independent trend is over when it hits teen girly magazines. Better just go trade in all that stuff in your music library for some BNL. Rock on.