So Sophie,

Recently at work, I overheard a coworker discussing their plans to commit a serious ethics violation with someone on the telephone. I pretended not to hear, but the whole situation really concerns me, since what I heard them discussing was illegal and a breach of US import/export laws. I am afraid that, if it's discovered, the company will wind up in serious legal trouble. How should I handle this?

-Legal Eagle

Hey Legal,

his is a serious problem you've just overheard. If this is discovered and some prosecutor somewhere finds out that you knew all about it and did nothing to prevent this violation from taking place, you could very well find yourself out of a job and in as much trouble as the individual who committed it. On the other hand, if you say nothing and it goes undiscovered, then you have nothing to worry about. In cases like this, there's nothing so appealing as taking the ol' "head in the sand" approach. Too bad the perpetrator forgot to activate the "Somebody Else's Problem" field before the phone conversation took place. You could right now be lying on a beach somewhere, happily unaware of any wrongdoing. But, no! Your coworker was rude and now here you are, suffering from chronic stress and probably giving yourself a bleeding ulcer right now just thinking about it. As a matter of fact, this is starting to give me a bleeding ulcer, too. Tell you what: let's sue the dumb bastard for emotional pain and distress. I think a decent lawyer and a sympathetic jury would probably net us a couple of million dollars each after we pay the exorbitant lawyers' fees. What do you say? Because, I tell you what: that kind of cash is going to lower my stress levels right down to nothing. I should be so lucky as to have my biggest problem be what to do with all of my money.

No dice, eh? Too bad. You're an idiot. Now you're going to have to address the problem in an entirely different manner.

I recommend that your first approach be to mention the conversation to the individual in question. Start out with something like, "So, Joe... I couldn't help but overhear your conversation the other day and I don't know whether you're aware that doing X in this situation is actually pretty illegal. Have you thought about any other options available to you in this situation?" If Joe tells you to go soak your head, then you can rest assured that you did try to resolve it personally first. Then, even though it may seem like a shitty thing to do, you need to send Joe's boss an e-mail detailing what happened. This way, it's in the boss's hands to decide the next course of action. It's also documented that you knew of the violation and tried to take steps to prevent it from happening. This covers your ass when all the legal shit hits the fan.

So Sophie,

I buy cigarettes by the carton because they're a lot cheaper. But by the time I get to the last ones, they taste stale. How can I avoid this?

-Grossed out

Hey Gross,

id anyone ever tell you that cigarettes do not, contrary to popular belief, actually contain vitamins? No kidding, they're pretty bad for you when it comes right down to it.

Now that we've got the mandatory public service announcement out of the way, let's solve your problem. Smoking leaves your breath bad enough as it is and the taste of stale cigarettes is one of the most disgusting things on the planet, rivaled only by the taste of wet cigarettes and the smell of gangrene. Many people in the past have had it, too, and the almost universal solution is kind of common sense. Based on how quickly you go through a carton (not very, if they're going stale) you should store the unopened packs in either the refrigerator or the freezer. This works really well and the only negative side effect is that the smokes are really hard to pack and when they're right out of the freezer, they're kind of hard to smoke. Keep in mind that if you live with someone from whom you are trying to hide the fact that you smoke, this is gonna be a dead giveaway. I mean, fast. The only way around that is to invent a fake friend for whom you're keeping them. Most likely this will not work. In a group fridge setting, you're going to have to get prior permission to store your smokeables in this manner but, once you do, you will find that your cigarettes keep that oh-so-fresh taste right down to the very last one.