So Sophie,

My cockatiel has spent the last month or so eating hair. Whether from people's heads, carpet, furniture or anyplace else she can find it, eating hair seems to be her top priority. It doesn't seem to have any ill effects on her but I'm concerned because it's just so weird. I thought maybe she wanted to build a nest but she's laid eggs before without eating hair all the time. Any ideas?

-Hair-brained bird owner

Hey Hair-brained,

o I have any ideas? What a ridiculous question! Of course I have ideas. I have many. The question that you probably meant to ask is whether I have any ideas on why your cockatiel is acting like a spaz. You're in luck. After careful consideration of the symptoms you describe, I have come to the conclusion that you are right. Your bird's conduct is weird. What kinds of things does she eat if you keep her locked in her cage? Have you even tried confining her to this smaller space that, presumably, contains only approved food items? Have you been feeding your pet birdy any sort of narcotic substances? Are you sure she's actually eating it? Is she perhaps just picking up things and carrying them away and you only think she's ingesting them? Animals don't typically just start eating things that aren't in their usual diet, unlike some other creatures I can name. (Yeah, I mean you, all of you dirt eaters out there. Feh.) Perhaps this is what's really going on and you have nothing to get worried about. On the other hand, maybe the bird really is eating weird things and has been trying to tell you something. Maybe she is depressed and trying to commit suicide; this hair-eating behavior is really her way of crying out for help. There is a high incidence of cockatiels suffocating to death by wrapping themselves up in hair. I suggest you remove all hair from your person and your home. You don't want to leave her in a place rife with opportunity to harm herself. Also, get yourself a good pet psychologist. There are lots of them in California and I'm sure that at least one of them has a poorly designed website that offers to talk to your pet for an exorbitant hourly fee.

According to cockatiel people, the following are symptoms that your birdy may be ill: tail bobbing, sitting "down on the perch" (crouching over its feet), sitting on the floor of the cage, sneezing, clicking respiration (cough), brown-stained feathers above the nostrils (runny nose), breathing difficulty, a change in or loss of voice or song, behavior changes, sleepiness (eyes closing), less active, withdrawn, change in appetite (loss or increase), drinking more water than normal, droppings become loose or change in color or number or a long molt and scratching or picking feathers occurs.

At the risk of sounding ridiculous, since I think that avian medicine has pretty much one standard cure for all possible ailments (much like equine medicine -- come to think of it, it's the same cure, too). I might suggest that you take this bird to the vet if it doesn't have any of the above symptoms. If the vet comes up with nothing either, then I think that perhaps you ought to consider that the bird has been entrusted to deliver unto you a secret message. You should start keeping track of the things she eats and on what days. Putting the clues together, you should be able to establish some sort of pattern and lead yourself to the buried treasure, the helpless, hot and slutty maiden in distress, or save the world. I really can't tell what kind of message someone would have given a cockatiel. Frankly, I don't think that cockatiels are really all that intelligent and I would not trust one to make me a peanut butter sandwich or give me my phone messages, much less convey some sort of message of dire import. So, when you find out who delivered the message in this manner, I suggest explaining to them that your birdy is not exactly what you might call the best of messengers. Your secret correspondent should really stick to dogs. Everyone knows that dogs are far more effective at this sort of thing. Did Timmy ever deviate from sending Lassie to go get stuff done? No. He did not. Do you know why? Because dogs are smart and efficient. There's a reason we have the expression "bird brain." It's not because they are the Einsteins of the animal kingdom. Sheesh. People are smart enough to go around leaving secret messages but aren't capable of picking a better envoy? No wonder the modern art of espionage is dead. I certainly hope things improve, or we'll have to go back to throwing rocks at people's bedroom windows.