So Sophie,

I am an almost 30 single professional and have been living a productive life on my own since I was 18 and left for college. I finished college and moved to the big city, leaving them all back in the rural area where I grew up. I provide for myself and have never asked anyone for assistance of any kind, since I take great pride in being self sufficient. Despite all of this, I am having trouble getting my family to take me seriously as an adult. Whenever I go back for family gatherings, they are constantly telling me how to do everything, and give me the impression that they think that I am utterly incapable of doing the least little thing correctly. I don't see them doing any of this stuff to my sister, who is married with children, even though I would think that there would be far more things to do wrong with children involved. How can I get them to stop treating me like a child? All I want is to be treated like an adult, which I don't think is too much to ask at my age.

-Stuck

Hey Stuck,

o you honestly think it's just you that is having this problem? It's been going on since the history of people began, and I'm pretty sure that there was some sheepherder in ancient Greece who was having just this same trouble. Well, except for the almost-30 part, because the life expectancy was a lot shorter then so really he would have been about 15. So there's that. And there perhaps wasn't really the expectation that things would change as a person got older, since everyone lived in a large extended family setup and people didn't deviate from their assigned roles in life. Whatever role you were born into was the one you kept until the day you died a horrible death from disease or injury at a relatively young age. Hell, that poor sheepherder didn't even get to choose his own profession. His father was a sheepherder, so that pretty much meant that he was, too. And that poor sheepherder's sister was doomed to marry whomever her parents chose and pump out babies for the rest of her life and probably eventually die in childbirth. And you think you've got problems with your family? I'll bet either one of those poor people would trade places with you in a heartbeat.

Part of your problem likely stems from the fact that you are on a different life path than anyone in your family is on. They are having a hard time looking at your life and finding any sort of commonality with their own. If they're all still living in the same area where they grew up and you've changed locations, that's one strike against you right there. They have no idea what goes on in your life and how you really conduct your daily affairs, so they can't exactly relate. If you're going out at night and sleeping in on the weekends and they're getting up early to do chores and take care of children, you're going to seem immature and irresponsible, even though you really aren't. You've just got a different set of responsibilities and yours allow a lot more relaxation. But, the increased free time probably comes off as a lack of accountability for anything. Maybe your family is a tiny bit jealous. Perhaps you're doing what some of them always wanted to do but weren't able to pull off. Try to be a little more understanding.

However, you can only be understanding to a point. Take a stand. When your mother starts telling you what to do or how to do it, gently but firmly remind her that you are perfectly capable of doing it by yourself, using your own predetermined methodology. Perhaps she really hasn't thought about that at all and really has a hard time seeing you as anything but the kid you were when you left. Talk to your siblings. I'm willing to bet substantial amounts of money that she treats all of them the same way. Your perception is self-centered, and you probably just didn't notice. If they are also treating you like a child, then you need to have the same gentle yet firm talk with them. Siblings are easier to convince. Once they're on your side, the rest of the family should be easier.

By the way, if you actually get this to work, write back and tell me about it. I don't think there's a mother in the history of the universe who has actually completely let go, and I'd like to write a book about you if the whole thing works. This secret could be worth millions.