So Sophie,

I have an ugly couch. Its ugliness is very obvious -- I don't believe there's a person on Earth who would find it attractive. The only reason I have it is because my mom's co-worker gave it to me for free when I first moved out. What I want to know is, why do furniture manufacturers bother making this type of ugly stuff? Why not make 100 nice couches instead of 50 nice and 50 terrible?

-Upholstery Impaired

Hey Upholstery,

he ugly couch phenomenon has probably been around for longer than there have actually been couches. I think that it's entirely possible that the ugly couch was dreamed up and invented long before attractive couches came into being. Look at pictures you see of Victorian houses. Does any of their furniture look attractive and comfortable? No, it does not. It looks like the craftsman who built that stuff by hand was just trying to see how ugly he could make it before the inbred upper classes noticed their bad taste.

Once that started going over, it was just a matter of time before ugly couches were widespread. As more and more people from a healthy cross-section of the genepool began requiring furniture, couches began to become more attractive; perhaps this is primarily because the craftsmen making the couches realized that these objects were no longer limited to the houses of the gentry and that they ran a very real risk of seeing them in their friends' homes and didn't want to be forced to stare at and perhaps compliment something so hideous. There was also a good chance at that point that their own wives would want one and, really, no man who is interested in domestic bliss wants to purposely put something that his wife thinks is ugly into his home.

Moving into more modern times, this uneven distribution of good taste continued. People descended from nobility and money generally had the genetic programming for bad taste and expensive items, continuing the demand for ugly couches. The more fortunate souls descended from the craftsmen were blessed with good taste and the desire for comfort. The divergence could not end without some severe genetic reprogramming of society.

Then came the 1970's. Every bit of genetic preprogramming went right out the window for a good ten years or so while the entire over-14 population of the free world did one hell of a lot of drugs. Acid, as it turns out, has the nasty side effect of making things attractive that really are not.

This is primarily why, right now, even as I type this and even as you sit there and read it, there is an unholy plague of used ugly couches across America (and elsewhere, I suppose). Every house containing college kids has at least one or two, plus that one in the basement that everyone makes out on at parties. Every apartment inhabited by a young college graduate contains one, too. Usually they originate in someone's parents' basement, but even that isn't always the case. Somewhere in the 70's when all of those drugs were floating around, someone spilled some on the couches, who soaked it up and achieved sentience. Now they breed.

What can you do to combat this? Very little. Now that the couch breeding program is taking off, I'm afraid that there will always be ugly couches lurking in other people's basements and in secondhand stores everywhere. The only thing I can do is offer you some advice if you find yourself confronted with one.

First off, remember that if you keep them isolated in the basement, ugly couches can't breed. There have to be two or more of them in proximity. They are, however, genetically compatible with attractive couches, so I'd keep a real close eye on that slutty loveseat in the living room, if you get my meaning.

Second, there is the slipcover. Any ugly couch can be defeated and rendered powerless by a properly designed slipcover. It will make the couch pretty to look at, which substantially improves its temperament, and will make it more comfortable to sit on as a result. A pretty couch is a happy couch. Slipcovers can be obtained on-line, at places such as Pier 1 Imports, Cost Plus World Market and Pottery Barn. Look around. There has to be something out there for you, even if you've got a breed of that plaid rust-colored couch with the wood-accented arms.

The only other way to permanently kill one of these ugly couches it to burn it alive in your buddy Mike's backyard. He totally won't care. Matter of fact, he may bring the beer. But you have to make sure the monster is thoroughly incinerated or it may come back to life and seek revenge.