So Sophie,

I've been interested in Asian language and culture for some time. I've always wanted to become skilled in the martial arts, but have always thought of it more as a lifestyle. I've decided that I want to become a ninja. How do I go about that?

-Black and Stealthy

Hey Stealthy,

o you honestly think that wearing fancy jammies, living in a paper house, and having a fondness for udon noodles is going to make you a ninja? I'm interested in a lot of things, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I'm cut out to do them. If that were the case, I'd be the starting goalie for the Detroit Red Wings. You know what? Dave Lewis is still not calling me. Nope. Matter of fact, I don't know that he even knows I'm alive. In my spare time, I'd have written a Nobel Prize-winning novel, but that still doesn't seem to have happened, either. What I'm trying to say is, you may need to readjust the probability of your dream actually coming true.

I should try not to discourage you. It's entirely possible that you really are ninja material. Were you hand picked by ninjitsu priests as soon as you could walk? Did you then follow a lifetime of training in ninja arts and weaponry? If you did, then great. I apologize. You really are suited to become a ninja and can probably start wearing black pajamas any time you like.

If this profile does not fit you, though, I suggest you learn a bit about the calling you feel to adopt the ninja life. First, some history.

Ninja is hard to really report accurately, mostly because there were few, if any records kept of its existence. Most of what is known about the ninja is taken from stories that have been passed down from generation to generation.

One version says that "The art of stealth" was first introduced to Japan in 522 AD as a religion practiced by priests, who were not violent people; they were "mystics" who gathered and shared information for the ruling classes. About a century later the priests perfected their fighting skills and made use of their knowledge of the art of stealth. When Japan's new society began to prosper it created a new class of wealthy, privileged families who fought with one another in attempts to make or destroy emperors. The need for spies, informants, and assassins grew as these families dueled for power. They were suspicious and jealous of one another and would resort to any means necessary to eliminate any possible threats. Therefore, the practitioners of the art of stealth were in great demand. With this, the ninja was born.

As the ninja gained popularity, so did the stories of their superhuman abilities. This reputation was often encouraged by the ninja themselves. They were said to have powers like the strength of ten men, ability to turn into animals, flight, and invisibility. Their only code was to do whatever it takes to get the job done. This gave the ninja a great advantage right away, since they were unencumbered by a strict code of combat prevalent in the rest of society.

You're also going to need to familiarize yourself with (read: become a master at) many different styles of fighting, both armed and unarmed. you will also need to learn espionage techniques, meteorology, psychology, horsemanship, and chemistry. Really, there isn't much that the ninja doesn't know about, which explains the need to take twenty years doing nothing but learning that. Ninja don't have time for much else. I'd be willing to be that they haven't got much time for day jobs, or family, or social lives, either, so you'd best start getting rid of those. Oh, and if you drink or smoke, forget that, too. Ninja can't afford to smell like anything foreign or cloud their thinking with mind-altering substances. Sorry. The live of a medieval Japanese fighting priest is an austere one. This is why, I think, they have so much pent-up anger. If the ninja got drunk and laid, we'd have nothing to fear from them.