So Sophie,

My parents recently divorced. I never really got along with my father. Now he's thinking about getting married to the woman he left my mother for. I have no desire to go to the wedding, but I'm not sure how to mention that I don't want to go. What should I do?

-Perplexed

Hey Perplexed,

on't feel alone. You're not the first person who's ever had to deal with this. At the rate current society is going, I think that the remarriage of a divorced parent is something that all of us are going to have to go through at some point in our lives, although maybe not everyone doesn't speak to one of them. Are you still speaking to your father? Is there any sort of relationship at all? Or have you taken the chickenshit way out and avoided all contact with him except for when it's absolutely necessary, forcing yourself to sit through awkward phone conversations and even more awkward bi-annual meetings? If this is the path you're on, don't feel bad... lots of people do it. It's nothing to be ashamed of and even if it is not the healthiest path for you, at least you're avoiding both a confrontation that you know you'll never be brave enough to have and the endless emotional turmoil that would result from seeing him all the time.

There are a lot of different ways that you can deal with your father's impending nuptials. Do you suppose you'll be invited? If you're not, then that pretty much solves the whole thing right there, doesn't it? You are free to get kind of surly and defensive whenever anyone in your family mentions it. When your aunt asks you for the exact date of the ceremony, you are totally justified in your snotty reply of "I wouldn't know. I wasn't invited." The not getting invited approach also keeps you from having to buy the bastard a wedding present, either. After all, what did he ever give you, anyway?

If you did get invited, you could always simply not go, saying that you had to be out of town for work that day. If you're a physician or IT specialist, you could be on call. To the segment of the population that has no experience in these matters, it's a perfectly plausible excuse and it's foolproof. No one will be able to verify the statement either way. And, since you didn't go to the wedding, you're excused from having to buy a gift.

Should you choose to go, you again have several options in your conduct. First off, you could go, behave yourself, and mingle with others at the reception. You could exchange awkward pleasantries with your father and whomever it is that was dumb enough to want to marry him. Buy him some sort of meaningless gift off of the registry, or maybe just give him a card. Whatever. It's not like you're planning to spend a whole lot of time with them anyway.

Your second option is to try to ruin the day for him in one form or another. You could always stand up and object when the officiant says "speak now or forever hold your peace." At that point you could raise objections about how the man has no business getting married, since he has no idea how to conduct himself once he is married, and that adultery should not be rewarded with legitimacy after the fact. That should pretty much bring the whole thing to a grinding halt. Keep in mind, though, that if you ever had delusions of inheriting his money, that chance has just pretty much flown right out the proverbial window.

The other day-ruining trick you could pull is to hold off during the ceremony, but get really drunk at the reception and then just start going around telling all of the guests (especially the ones from the bride's side) just exactly how much of a worm your father is. Be sure to mention all of the things he'd ever done that hurt and pissed off your mother. Be sure to mention the adultery. Brides' families love to hear shit like that about their newest relative. You can leave out the part about where the adultery was with the bride, since this will discredit you and just make you look bitter. Have nothing but nice things to say about her; after all, if it wasn't for her he'd still be married to your mom and then you'd have to see the miserable bastard all the time, instead of twice a year. That woman did you a favor, and don't you forget it. Keep your badmouthing to where it belongs.

These are all perfectly viable (albeit self-destructive) ways to deal with your father's wedding. Hopefully one of them will have appealed to you, or at least pointed you in the right direction for your own personal coping strategy. Good luck.