So Sophie,

I am going to be going to New York City for the first time, and I am overwhelmed by the amount of things that there are to do and see there. Do you have any suggestions for the first-time tourist? I've never really been to any big city before, so I'm at a loss as to where to even start.

-Big Apple

Hey Big,

or someone who's never really been to a big city before, you sure picked a hell of a place to start. New York City is so full of things to do that even people who have lived there for years haven't had a chance to do it all yet. Here's a list of things that would be on my personal to-do list if I were going to go. You should be warned, though, that things in New York cost a lot more than they do in the rest of the country, particularly the flyover states. Do not spend your time looking around and exclaiming over the high prices. It's New York. Get used to it.

Statue of Liberty – This is a mainstay of New York, and a definite must for any tourist. You can get a great view from Battery Park, or else take the ferry out to Ellis Island and look around from there. That lets you check out the old immigrant buildings, too, and it's kind of neat.

Empire State Building – Go, if for no other reason than to experience the superfast elevators and just to say you've been there.

McSorley's Pub – Somewhere in the Village, this place makes its own beer in two tasty varieties: light and dark. It goes down surprisingly well, even for those non-beer drinkers in the crowd.

Toys in Babeland – Perhaps the premiere sex shop in the country, Toys in Babeland has won many awards for its outstanding customer service. All of the merchandise is displayed openly (that is: unpackaged) and with batteries installed so that you can get a realistic idea of whether you'd want to buy it.

Central Park – This really needs no description, does it? It's a big-ass park in the middle of Manhattan. Lots to do and see just there alone, so plan to have at least a half day, if not more. One thing to be sure to do is ride the carousel. It features near life-sized horseys and is fun for kids and grown-ups.

Get a lap dance – I'm sure that you will be able to find lots of places to do this and there's no particular reason why it should be done in New York rather than anywhere else, but I think it would make a great addition to your "first time in the big city" story.

Get a second lap dance – Preferably, this one will be from someone of the opposite gender than the one before. It's really good to get a cross-section of experience here. And, since you're in New York, none of your friends back home will question you for doing it. Just explain to them that it's the way things are done there.

Liquid brunch at Essex – A kind of popular place with the hipster crowd, Essex features a wildly popular Sunday brunch. The highlight of this dining experience is free mimosas, champagne, and other assorted alcoholic beverages. Can't go wrong, and the price is reasonable, even by out-of-towner standards.

Cleopatra's Needle – I have no idea what this actually is, but it sounds neat. There's another one in London, since these two apparently were made as part of a matched pair. Go see it anyway, and take pictures.

Coney Island – Perhaps the greatest carnival-type area in the known world, Coney Island is a destination unto itself. Go there. Play Skee-Ball. Wrestle. Ride the Ferris Wheel. Have a hot dog, just so that when you get a coney dog wherever it is that you live, you can brag about how you had better ones on the real Coney Island. (Incidentally, this is also the reason that one eats cheesesteak in Philadelphia and chicken wings in Buffalo.)

Times Square – It will likely be hard to avoid this, too, but if you don't wind up going past it, make a point to detour. There's a lot of action and way too many things to look at. It's a bit of a sensory overload. Be sure to look at all of the things the street vendors are selling. Most are kitschy and geared toward tourists, but there are neat things to look at.

Buskers – These are the performers you will likely see performing on streets and in the subway. Go, find a couple you like, and listen. Also, tip them. They like that. Be polite, and don't point and stare. They're performers, not a freak show.