You've probably never called phone sex, but I bet you wonder what happens on the line. Never fear, I'll save you 69 cents a minute by reporting to you the craziest calls I get as a phone actress. Be warned, there may be explict language....

So this guy calls me up, demands my name, and asks if I have a problem with taking advantage of men. I follow the cardinal rule of phone acting and say �No, I don�t have a problem with that.�

He tells me that he is outside of a tanning salon and he wants to go inside to ask about gift certificates and then have me (his wife) talk to her. When I get the girl, I�m supposed to tell him that I�m his wife, that I don�t care about the GC, that what I really want to do is get back at him for cheating on me, but he doesn�t know I know. Okay? Also, tell her that in order to get back at him I took him to a hypnotist to have a �stop smoking� suggestion put in. What really happened is that I got him a different suggestion. If a woman puts her left hand on her left hip, says the word �purchase� and then asks for $100, he will give it to her and not remember it. Okay. So the guy finally explains this whole big long story to me about what I�m supposed to do. He goes into the store, and I hear him ask the girl about GCs and then say that I want to ask her a few questions. I get on the phone and tell the girl the whole story, the cheating, the left hand on hip, blah blah blah. She says that she can�t hear me and asks if I can call the salon directly and gives the phone back to the guy. He asks me what I said, I tell him I did what he asked but she said she couldn�t hear me. He�s pissed. Click.

About a half hour later the phone rings and it is the same guy! �Kelly? Hey, you fucked it up last time!� he says when he recognizes my voice. I tell him �whatever�-- I did what he wanted. So he tells me that he is in Wal-mart now and he wants to try again. He wanders around Wal-mart for about 5 minutes looking for a woman to do this with. I decide to fuck his story and say whatever I want when I get the girl. Finally, he finds a female Wal-mart employee in the sneaker department. He tells me that he is going to tell the girl that his wife on the phone (me) wants to know if they have a specific type of sneaker. I hear him ask a girl if she works there, tells her the situation, and then a female �Hello?� So here goes. �Hi, can you hear me?�

�yes.�

�ok, listen. I�m not this guy�s wife. I�m a phone sex actress and he told me that if you put your left hand on your left hip, say �purchase� and ask for a $100 he�ll give it to you and won�t remember�

I told her right away not to let on to what she was hearing and she listened and asked me to repeat what to do. I tell her that I have no idea if it works but if it does, she�ll have a free $100. She asks what will happen if she doesn�t. I don�t know if she meant if she didn�t do the hip thing or if she didn�t get $100. But anyways, she gave the phone back to the guy, he asks me if I got all the info I needed. I say yes, he asks for my extension and says he�ll get back to me.

Click.

He didn�t get back to me tonight. Weird. I wonder what happened. Moral of the story: Don�t shop at Wal-mart.