Man, I thought we had something together. But then I tuned in for your speech tonight and not even one name drop? Are you kidding? I made you, dude! You remember what you were doing before I put you on the map? You were taking a month-long vacation to think about stem cells, you tool! (BTW, I'm right with you on that one.) Without me, you'd never have gotten to throw down in Iraq, and that's no good for either of us. We've both wanted that dickhead Saddam out of the way for years.

But how about a little appreciation? You know, I've been in the jihad game a long time and I've paid so many dues trying to get noticed. I even bombed some of your imperialist boats during your election, figuring that whoever won would have to give me some legitimacy. Instead you waste time making up stories about vandalism by that adulterer Clinton? When I finally did get your attention it was great for a while. It was "crush the evildoers" this and "they hate our freedom" that. And "Operation: Infinite Justice?" Or calling it a "crusade?" Brilliant! Do you know how great that was for recruiting? I bet you don't -- it's only been in about five PDB memos. J/K! :)

I guess I should have known it wouldn't last, though. I had a lot of fun with the stuff you made up early on, like when you said you ran around the country like a "girly man" (I've been using that one a lot lately, thank Arnold for me) because you said Air Force One was a prime target. Then the duct tape stuff -- I have a couple of those 1001 Things to Do With Duct Tape books, they don't say anything about stopping anthrax, my man. But when you started talking about Iraq all the damn time, the writing was on the wall. I know you only have room in your life for one arch-enemy, and I guess I can understand why you'd pick the obviously weaker option, but can't I get something? What if I was your nemesis? I know Michael Moore was angling for that spot, but I really think I'm the more qualified man. Think about it. And hey, next time you give a speech, think about how you got where you are today. Respect is due.

Kisses,
Usama