Here are some things Congressional Democrats should do in January and February, which I swear I am entirely serious about:

1. Propose a Constitutional ban on divorce. The terrific thing about this is that it forces Republicans, who claim that marriage will be "destroyed" if gays are let into the club, to defend not just the idea of divorce, but the country's current 50% divorce rate. As an added bonus, many of them will be forced to defend their own divorces. Perhaps a Constitutional amendment is a bit much, but it could include exceptions for physical violence, etc. -- the kinds of things that Republicans would hide behind when standing up for the only thing that actually ends marriages. This also will force into the national debate data that show Massachusetts as the least divorcing state in the union and red states running up the country's ten highest divorce rates. A subsection that bans the eating of shellfish at wedding receptions would be classy, too. This one feels like a Robert Byrd play, assuming he's not divorced himself.

2. Propose an end to welfare for states. Blue states pay more to the federal government in taxes than they receive back in services; we are subsidizing the red states that hate the federal government so much. The worst offender is North Dakota, which received $2.03 for every dollar it sent out in 2002; at the other end is New Jersey, getting back only $0.62, even though we're supposedly so concerned about security in the metro NYC area. If these phony conservatives say they don't need the federal government's help, fine, they don't get it. Let's cap state-by-state spending based on payments to the federal government. If they want to keep the status quo, hypocritical Republicans will have to stand up and defend their own acceptance of federal welfare. I think Charles Schumer's good for this, since his state of New York is getting screwed at $0.81 on the dollar.

3. Propose a link between federal contraception education funding and the number of abortions performed per annum. President Abstinence-Only has, not surprisingly, seen the American abortion rate climb during his term. This bill would bring this information to light and make anti-choice Republicans stand up in public and say that sex for purposes other than procreation is morally wrong. This seems like a good bone to throw Hillary's way.

4. Officially propose John Kerry's domestic agenda. Put the tax cut rollback out there and make the Republicans turn it down. Put health care out there. Put alternative energy out there. It doesn't matter that they won't go anywhere. The public needs to see a truly oppositional, reform party. If all the Democrats do is vote against Republican proposals, they look obstructionist; if they're forcing the Republicans to squash proposals with popular support, they look like a good alternative. If Kerry's going to step up and lead the Congressional opposition as he's said, this is where he should start.

You may notice I'm picking exclusively on Senators here. This is because I think it'll probably be easier to make noise and get attention via the Senate, and because I think these things could make great filibuster fodder for when Bush tries to elevate Clarence Thomas to Chief Justice. Probably more of these will come to me, but really anything that fits the theme will do -- make Republicans stand up for their hypocritical, nonsensical or unpopular positions. Make them deny that they fuck pigs.