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2005:04:14:20:04. Thursday. I QUIT. Yup, that's the end of Kelly and her perv-talking days (and nights).
posted by 2005:03:25:11:44. Friday. BOO! Okay, it's been just over a year that I've been a phone actress and it is really starting to wear on me. Last night, I was just about ready to log off and quit for forever, mentally running through other possible jobs I could do, when the phone rang and this caller, Boo, saved me from phone acting retirement. This guy tells me all sorts of crazy stories about him peeping in windows and jacking off watching the occupants. First off, there is this woman two doors down from him that loves to watch 'cum shot' pornos and has full length sliding glass doors and she walks around either naked or in a tiny nighty and masturbates with a vibrator in her lazy boy. Boo loves to watch her from her hedges outside. Really? You never got caught, Boo? One time he almost did get caught! He was watching this very sexy woman and all he wears is a black mask, a cock ring, and 7 or 8 ball rings. He was so excited he started to squirt a little bit, and he squirts so far, like 10-15 feet, that he actually squirt a little cum right onto her glass doors!! She was pleasuring herself with her vibrator, but decided to go outside to investigate. She walked right past him hiding in the bush. We decided it would be funny if he had jumped out and said, "Boo!" but embarrassing in the long run. It was very exciting to him when I suggested that she went outside for her morning cup of coffee and stepped in the big pile of cum he left for her on her patio. This woman also walks around the neighborhood daily for exercise wearing shorts so short her ass hangs out the bottom and a tiny tight top. Just the other day, Boo was hanging out in his garage with the door open. He got a big piece of cardboard and wrote "Garage Sale" on it. This woman yelled up to Boo, who was standing naked behind the sign, and asked if he was having a sale. He told her he wasn't set up yet but soon there would be one. When she asked what kinds of things he would be selling he told her he'd be selling old pornos, magazines, and cock rings. While chatting he was standing behind the sign jerking off. Didn't she see you, Boo? Oh, she must have. The sign only went up to his waist and she could see his arm hanging down and moving up and down. She just chuckled and went on her way. Goodness gracious, Boo. If I had been in that situation, I would have been even more freaked out than the time I ended up at a rummage sale inside the house of a one-armed man and his parrot. All in all it was a great call that lasted 35 minutes. All I had to do was egg him on to tell me more and more stories and it kept me employed as a phone actress for at least one more night.
posted by 2005:03:18:16:44. Friday. I'LL BE YOUR PRIVATE DANCER. Local call, Random Request. That means it is a 15 minute call and he requested someone but she isn't available to take his call, so he gets whoever is next up to get a call. So, I say hello and the first thing he asks is if I workout. "Yeah, I workout all the time." Remember the answer to every question is 'yes.' "Are you strong?" "Yeah, very strong." "I have a fantasy." "Okay, tell me about it." His fantasy is that I come to his house to give him a private dance and then after I'm done I challenge him to a wrestling match with the conditions being that if he wins, he gets the dance for free, but if I win, he has to pay me double my fee. Of course, since I work out all the time, I'm much much stronger than him and there is no way he's going to pin me. So, okay. I'm trying my best to 'dance' for him and then challenge him to wrestle and pin him. I don't really know what kinds of things to emphasize here and he isn't helping much at all so it goes kind of quick, only about 5 or 6 minutes. Then he hangs up. Later the same night I get the "Local call, Random Request" prompt again and the guy has the same voice and the same name. Starts asking me the same questions, "Do you work out?" "Yeah." We run through the whole thing again: I dance, challenge and pin him and he hangs up. Then I get the guy AGAIN. Man, I am tired of him. "Do you work out?" "No." "No?!?" He must always get the answer 'yes' since as I've said a million times before, the answer to every question is 'yes.' "No, I don't work out." "Oh." Click. Thank god, he hung up on me and I don't have to do that stupid fantasy again. He knows my name and my voice and whenever he gets me he always hangs up right away. Tee hee, finally a perv that hates me probably as much as I hate them.
posted by 2005:03:01:09:51. Tuesday. I DO NOT LOVE TEXANS. I don't know if I'm just sensitized to it, or if there are an inordanatly large number of Texans that call phone sex. So this Texan called me up the other night and right away starts calling me 'bitch' and 'whore' and using really harsh language. So, after a few minutes of this, I say, "You're calling me all these names, can I call you names?" "Oh, yeah!" "Alright you asshole. You fucking son of a bitch. %$#^#$%##$#^&^%*%^" Things go from bad to worse quickly, he says, "I'm gonna shit in your mouth. I'm going to fuck your ass and then your twat and get your own shit in your twat." Blah, blah, blah, this raunchy talking goes on for about 10 minutes, him saying he loves this dirty talk. But then the tide turns quickly. He says, "You know, I don't really like this dirty talk. All I really want is nice soft, kisses on my neck while we make love. Come on, baby. Tell me you love me." "No way." Please remember that the answer to everything on phone sex is 'yes.' "What?!? Come on, tell me you love me." he pleads. Finally, I get to express to him my hatred of him and his state. "No, I don't love anyone from Texas." HA HA!
posted by 2005:02:27:10:18. Sunday. GRANDMA??? This was so disturbing, I have to get it off my chest. Last night this guy calls and tells me he is thinking of a fantasy. Great! "Oh, a fantasy? Tell me about it." "I'm thinking about getting with my grandma." Blink, blink, whaaaaa??? "What?!?" "I'm thinking about my grandma." I'm dumbfounded. "We can't talk about that." I'm so dumbfounded I can't even think of some alternatives to offer him. I just sit there, hoping that this freak will hang up. "Well, how about an older woman?" "Uh, yeah, okay. How old, like 65, 70?" "Yeah." "What is sexy about that?" "Oh, I want to see that gray pussy." The rest of his fantasy spirals into basically sneaking in on an old woman in the shower and forcing his cock up her ass. His request was for me to make noises like I was getting fucked in the ass and that hurt really bad. This was my first call last night and I almost just got off the line and called it quits for the night. But, I didn't. I needed to get my hours in. Fucking pervert! Makes those shit-eaters and public masturbators seem like innocent baby pervs.
posted by 2005:02:27:10:05. H & R BLOCK. Being a phonegirl, I hear a lot of ridiculous stuff, but this call last night really took the cake. TVTS X. (Transvestite/Transexual) "Hello?" "Hi." "How are you tonight?" "Good." I hear a lot of talking in the background, it sounds like a mom and a kid, so I say, "What room are you in?" "My living room." "Hmmm, sounds like there are a lot of people around." Thinking that this guy should really find some more privacy for this sort of thing. "Uh, is this costing me money?" "Didn't you put your credit card number in?" "Yeah." "So, yeah. You are being charged for this." Duh! "Um, I think I called the wrong thing." "You called a sex line." "Really? I was trying to call H&R Block." "What?!?! You called phone sex." "Uh, yeah. Um, thanks. Goodbye." Click. I have a really hard time believing he was working through the long menu system of breathy voices saying things like, "Want to play?" "Want to live your wildest fantasy?" "Just type in your credit card number to meet your sexy playmate." without realizing that this was not H&R Block. Whatever he thought, what a dumbass!
posted by 2005:02:18:19:29. Friday. THEY MADE ME DO IT. Seems nobody wants to take responsibilty for their pervertedness. Today this guy calls me up and when I ask him how he's doing today, he tells me "Not so good, I had a bad night last night." YES! He's ready to talk and blab about whatever happened last night and all I have to do it egg him on. He tells me he was partying with some friends and coke. They kept putting down lines for him and he kept doing them. Later in the night, they asked for the cash to cover the coke and he told them he didn't have it and they made him pay with his body. Right. Okay, so they made him strip down and wear fake boobies and women's thong panties. Then they gave out a little coke to all the guys there and made him go around and suck their cocks for it. He was talking about this for about 25 minutes, me lending a sympathetic ear to this horrible evening he had to endure. Turns out this kind of thing happens all the time, in clubs, outside, wherever coke and cocks can be found in the same place. After awhile, I just couldn't resist and I asked, "Why don't you get a job and just pay for the coke?" "They don't want the money because they know I'll pay with my mouth." Seems logical enough, you have to believe the lie to keep living it. As if that wasn't enough, it turns out someone hypnotized him and implanted a post-hypnotic suggestion that whenever someone says "BJ," he takes a piece of clothing off and slaps his ass. What could I do? I worked the word "BJ" into the conversation as many times as possible in the last 10 remaining minutes of the call. I guess anything is okay as long as someone else MAKES us do it.
posted by 2005:02:18:19:17. DOMINATION FORMULA. After doing phone sex for a year, I finally figured out the formula for domination calls. I can't believe it took me so long! But today, I had a sucessful dom call and realized now I can finally do it and of course, I'll share it with you. So, no matter what the prompt of the call is, the guy says something like, "I love it when you dominate me." That means that you: 1. Forcably push his face in your pussy and make him lick it. 2. Demand that he lick your ass. 3. Suggest that you get your boyfriend and/or strap-on dildo and make them suck the cock. 4. Fuck him in the ass with sucked dildo. 5. Remove dildo and make him lick his shit off of it. Now, that of course, is the short version. Intersperse that with telling him how disgusting, perverted, pathetic, gross, and dumb he is and you'll have a happy submissive perv!
posted by 2005:02:07:08:55. Monday. SUPERBOWL PERVS. I got on the phone last night in the middle of the third quarter of the Superbowl last night thinking that I would probably get ZERO calls. I got very few, which was fine by me, but the ones I did get were so similar it was wierd. What kind of man calls phone sex during the middle of the Superbowl? Sick men who want to hurt you. The first guy calls and tells me he wants to fuck my ass hard, he wants to hear me moan in pain. Fine. This is his fantasy that he is paying $4 a minute for and my job is CUSTOMER SERVICE (I have to repeat it over and over to myself so I remember and don't turn into a bitch to these guys when they want a submissive person to hurt). Okay, he is fucking my ass, I'm on my stomach and he's pounding away really hard. But then the kicker! I asked him if he wanted to switch positions, trying to force some of that blood from his cock back up to his brain to make the call longer. Here's his answer, "I don't know, you are the one in charge." I couldn't believe it. I couldn't hold back, "You've got me lying on my stomach and you are pounding my ass so hard that you are hurting me. I'm obviously not the one in charge here." "Oh, right." I don't remember the rest of the call, but even with that bitch remark in the middle of the call, he stayed on for 11 minutes. Not great, but one of the best from last night. The only other call I got while the Superbowl was still on was from this guy who said he wanted to hear me fuck my pussy hard and hurt it. What the fuck!?!? "You want me to hurt myself?" "Yeah, jam it in there and make it hurt." Sometimes after listening to this stuff, I get really pissed off and my mantra of "Customer Service" flies out the window. I just can't believe the things these pervs say to me. But there is your answer as to what kind of men call phone sex during the Superbowl, sick fucks who want to use sex to hurt women. Yeah, it is only a fantasy line, and yeah, I only have an 'n' of 2, but I don't care, I hate those fucking pervs.
posted by 2005:02:04:00:07. Friday. BOYS WHO ARE GIRLS WHO ARE BOYS. Sometimes the pervs that call me are really confused about their gender. I'm ready for it on the TVTS (transvestite/transexual) calls, but a lot of times on the Fantasy X calls I'll get guys that can't keep their genitalia straight (no pun intended). Today this guy calls and is talking about his cock and then his ass and then his pussy and then his cock again and then his pussy. I didn't know what he wanted, so I just used a lot of non-sexual pronouns and moaning, not sure if I should be his bitch or stud.
posted by 2005:02:02:20:51. Wednesday. I'M THE SMARTEST PHONE GIRL IN THE WORLD. Did you read the article about the 2-on-1 calls? Not a very hard concept to understand: one caller, two agents. The agents work together to fulfill the perv's fantasy. Even though the bosses sent out an e-mail explaining the procedure and then called everybody to go over the procedure, they said many girls weren't getting it, so there was a MANDATORY and UNCOMPENSATED teleconference at a LONG DISTANCE NUMBER on how to do these 2-on-1 calls. I've always kind of wondered who the other phone girls are and now I know. They are stupid idiots, who else would be stuck in this no-skill, mentally disturbing job. The coach took roll call and then told us that she wanted to practice with each other so we could get the hang of it. Okay, seems reasonable. However, instead of sticking to the task, I had to listen to a stream of endless, inane "What do I do if ..X.. happens?" questions. To which the answer was basically, "Do the best you can, and let's stick to the subject at hand." The conference ended up being an entire hour long and I was so pissed off, that I couldn't hold on to a perv for longer than about 3 minutes after it.
posted by 2005:02:02:20:36. HE ONLY TALKS TO BITCHES. It was getting pretty late last night and I was so tired of talking to pervs. They all say the same damn thing when I ask them what's up: "Nothing." We all know that it isn't nothing that is up, it is their cock, but for some reason, even though they are calling phone sex, they don't say it. Anyways, it is my job to cutely and seductively draw out of them what they want to talk about. "Hey baby, what's up?" "Nothing." "Oh, how do you feel tonight?" the appropriate answer to this is "horny" so that I can segue into something about how I'm horny too and let's have some fun. "I'm bored." Okay, I can work with this... "Hmmmm, got anything in mind that could make things less boring?" "No." "Nothing at all?" "No." Here's where I lost it: "Wow, you are really boring." And then he opened up like floodgates telling me that he and his wife are separated and that he thinks she is lusting after some black guy at work. I couldn't believe it, I thought for sure that he would hang up on me for sure after that snotty remark, but apparently, he only talks to bitches.
posted by 2005:01:24:09:40. Monday. PHONE GIRLS FALL ASLEEP. Well, I don't know if they all fall asleep, but I sure do. When I do feel sleepy, I can usually get away with making a bunch of moaning noises and the pervs hang on for many many minutes. Last night, I didn't realize I was feeling sleepy until I was moaning and moaning for a perv. He kept pleading with me to tell him what turns me on and what I was into. I woke myself up when I heard myself tell him that I wanted to cut his hair. What?!?! I want to cut your hair??? He was all "OH, does that turn you on?" I couldn't think of anyway to make that sound sexy, so I returned to moaning. He finally hung up after 21 minutes.
posted by 2005:01:21:11:05. Friday. TWO ON ONE. A few weeks ago, I got an e-mail from my bosses telling me that there was going to be a new type of call offered to the pervs: 2-on-1 calls. Yup, every man's dream, two chicks all for himself. When I first read this, I thought it was a terrible idea. How are two girls who never worked together supposed to do this? One girl is assigned to be the first agent and the other the second agent. Agent 1 takes the lead, and agent 2 follows her lead. The big thing the bosses stressed was not to talk over each other. So, last night, first call of the night was "Pussy Cat X, Second Agent." Okay, here we go! I was so surprised, it was actually fun! I waited for the other girl to introduce herself and tell the guy that her friend was with her too and told me to introduce myself. We jabbered back and forth and since I was agent 2, I held back and just listened a lot, interjected in pauses or when spoken to. The guy ate it up! At the two minute warning, we gave him our numbers and told him we would LOVE to keep talking to him. Well, he did call back, but he called my number so now I was agent 1. I said "Hello" and when I heard it was the same guy, I was a little nervous because I didn't think we'd have the same third person. Of course, we didn't. I asked the new girl to introduce herself and we made up a story about how the other girl just ran out for some liquor and this girl just got back from her date. He didn't care, he kept eating it up. He stayed on for 2 20-minute calls!
posted by 2005:01:17:16:01. Monday. PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE. Fantasy X. This guy calls up and tells me that he is driving between El Paso and Dallas, TX. "Oh, are you a trucker?" I ask. "Uh, no. Not a trucker." He replied. After a few more "Are you a...?" questions and "Why are you driving....?" on my part he finally admits to me that he is a professional athlete. Not one in the 4 major sports though (hockey, football, basketball, or baseball). "What are you then?" "A professional bowler." Now, I haven't consulted the dictionary yet, but I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't call bowling a sport and I wouldn't call bowlers athletes. But anyways.... "Oh, like that movie? King Pin?" "Yeah, right." he says. Here is where my natural curiosity kicks in and I just start asking questions... "So, what size ball do you bowl with?" He explains that everyone pretty much throws a 15 lb ball. I ask if throwing a 14 lb ball meant you were a pussy. He thought yes. I ask if throwing a 16 lb ball was a sign that you were compensating for a small dick. He said yup, that was called "Man Weight." "What color is your ball?" I ask. Again, this has a much more detailed answer than I expected. I was hoping it was green, because that is my favorite color. But it wasn't. He said you have to bowl with a lot of different balls. "Why, because they don't get through fast enough?" "No, because there are different conditions on the lane." "Like what?" "Well, mainly the amount of oil on the lane." We talk about how there is a lot more to bowling than people think and how it is all about physics. "Have you ever bowled a 300?" "Yeah, I bowled 2 this week." He said. "Have you ever picked up a 7-10 spilt?" "Yup, twice." "Wow, only twice in your whole bowling career?" "Yup." We go on and talk some more about form and practicing and how he got 6th place but only bowlers 1st-4th get to be on TV. Maybe next time. We are going on and on, up to 10 minutes already. For you money conscious, that is about $40 already. "So, what would you say is the most important muscle involved in bowling?" I ask. No immediate answer, so I add, "Besides your brain, I mean." Click. And that was the end of that.
posted by 2005:01:05:11:42. Wednesday. CATHOLIC GIRLS MAKE BAD DOMS. Is that true? I only have an N of 1, but I'm blaming my complete lack of domination in me on it. I seem to have it all backwards.... So, New Year's Eve, this guy calls me up on the Fantasy X line and tells me that he is in the backseat of his car and his wife is driving them to a party. She's the dom and likes him to tell phone girls what he is doing. So here's where I get it all mixed up. He tells me that at this party there is going to be a 'Spanking Contest.' All the mistresses randomly select a sub from all the ones at the party to spank. They all start spanking and the sub that cries first loses. Interesting. this guy tells me that his mistress spanked him really hard earlier that day. I assumed it was because she wanted to toughen him up so he'd be able to last longer tonight (I forget spanking is not the same as 'spanking it.') But, no, he told me it was because she wanted him to LOSE! That would be VERY humiliating. The winner of the contest is the mistress with the biggest pussy of a sub.
posted by 2004:12:20:02:12. Monday. YOU STUPID FUCKING IDIOT FROM TEXAS. Geez louise, I should have known that George Bush isn't the only stupid idiot from Texas. This guy calls me up on the 15 minute line and we get to talking. He's from Texas and he wants to know if my boyfriend is home. When I tell him no, he asks if I live in an apartment building. Of course I do! He says he wishes my boyfriend was home so that he could hear him fuck me over the phone. He wants to know if there is anyone in the building that I want to fuck. Of course there is! I tell him there is this guy three doors down who I've had my eye on. He tells me to take off my clothes and go knock on his door in just my bra and panties. I oblige, and head down there. I knock on the wall next to my "phone sex chair" pretending to knock on a door and then I start talking to "George," the guy down the hall, giggling and ask him if he is suprised to see me like this. Guy on the phone tells me to take him back to my apartment, so I tell George to follow me, and of course, he does. See how this is going? Everything phone guy wants, phone guy gets. Until he tells me he wants George to say something. I tell him George can't talk to him because his mouth is full of my pussy. Unfortunately, he is unsatisfied with this answer and starts to accuse me of not really having a guy there. NO FUCKING SHIT!!!! You fucking perv! Don't ruin your own fantasy by asking for proof! Does a child demand to see Santa on Christmas morning, or does he just rip into the presents? Does a Christian demand to see Jesus, or are they reminded that 'blessed are those who don't see but believe?' And likewise, blessed are the pervs who ejaculate without hearing the voice of the man who is fucking me.
posted by 2004:12:09:12:46. Thursday. I THINK WE'RE ALONE NOW. Some nights it seems like there is only one phone girl and only one pervert out there. Last night it was quiet quiet quiet, tumbleweed blowing over my headset as I wait for a call. The phone rings. Fantasy X; this guy says hello, his name is Andy and tells me he is in bed. I ask him flirtatously if he is tired and he hangs up on me. Oh well, less than 2 minutes so I didn't care. The phone rings again. Fantasy X. "Hi Kelly, it's Andy again." Since he randomly got me again, I guess he decided to give me a try and we chatted away for about 10 minutes before he plunked down the receiever with no warning. Quiet night, no calls...... but then finally the phone rings again. Same exact prompt, same voice demanding who it was. Upon hearing it was me, Kelly, the caller hung up. I'm pretty sure it was Andy. With all the phone girls and all the callers, it seems weird to me that we would keep getting hooked up together.
posted by 2004:12:06:18:27. Monday. DON'T FORGET TO EAT YOUR PUSSY! Man, do my callers LOVE to eat pussy. Well, that's what they claim. Here's a few examples of promises to please my pussy: "I'm gonna eat your pussy all day." "I'm gonna eat your pussy for hours and hours." "I'm gonna eat your pussy 'til 2006!" "I'm gonna eat your pussy with lettuce and tomato and have a pussy hero!"
posted by 2004:12:03:10:41. Friday. LOCAL SEXY SINGLES. So this guy calls me up last night on the Fantasy X line and tells me that he saw an ad in Rolling Stone magazine with a number you could call to meet local singles. He said he was in the computer lab at school and he just needed to talk to someone while his final project of the semester was printing out so he could keep his mind off of it and not worry about the printer failing or his files being ruined. posted by 2004:12:02:10:05. Thursday. WHAT'S SEXY ABOUT BEING SO SMALL? I've never really wanted to be taller or shorter, just skinnier and firmer. But some pervs call up and they have this incredible desire to be much much smaller than the women they are with. Two examples.... posted by 2004:11:04:16:35. Thursday. SAD PERVS. The election didn�t turn out the way about half the country wanted it to, and this phone girl is in that sad half. But I guess nobody really wants to talk about it; the losing, that is. So, what do you do if you have a burning urge to talk about something and no one wants to listen? Call Kelly, I guess. Two sad Kerry-supporting pervs called me last night, both from �blue� states. The first spent 23 min rattling through the states and their electoral votes, mystified that so many could have gone �red.� How we need a Democrat from the heartland to win the presidency, how we need to start right now, and where the fuck were Bill Clinton and Al Gore and Bill Bradley and all those old school Democrats for the campaign? Sad. So sad he didn�t even use his time to jerk off. The second one was a stupid guy, said he voted but hadn�t heard who won (on Wednesday night). When I told him Kerry conceded, he didn�t understand. After careful explanation, he was thoroughly depressed as well. He spent 35 minutes on the phone with me telling me everyone that everyone he knows hates Bush and asking me how this could have happened. I just kept telling him I didn�t know. Sad sad sad.
posted by 2004:10:04:13:26. Monday. IT'S OFFICIAL, I'M A PERV. Fantasy X. Ding dong. This guy tells me he is from Colorado, so being my stereotyping self, I ask, �Oh, do you like outdoor activities?� �Of course. But what are you into?� he replies. So I reel off a few things: oral sex, anal sex, group sex, waiting for a response and a clue as to what he wants to talk about. Oh, he�s interested in oral sex and we start talking about it. Which, as it does in the non-phone world too, leads to sex. He says he likes to get really nasty. After 7 months of phone sex, I�ve noticed that my callers that use the word �nasty� are usually looking for some kind of excrement involved in our �sex.� posted by 2004:08:23:22:08. Monday. THE OLD WEST. Fantasy G. I wince, I hate the G calls because they are supposed to be non-explicit. Let me tell you, if you are saying cock and pussy and fuck for hours on end it takes a lot of effort to NOT say those words. I usually forget and start swearing up the gazoo anyways, then I sit nervously, wondering if my bosses heard me and was I going to get in trouble. But it didn�t really matter because this was a call very different from the others. The guy tells me he has a fantasy he wants to act out. SCORE! He knows what he wants, great for me, all I have to do is listen and respond, I don�t have to fish around for what he wants to do. He tells me that we are each the leader of a group of outlaws in the Old West. His group has him plus five more guys, one being his younger brother. My group has me plus five girls, one being my younger sister. Our groups are rivals and one day their group had us cornered, boxed into a canyon, no way to escape. posted by 2004:08:13:23:00. Friday. PISSSSSSSSSSSSSS....... Fantasy X. Ding dong. �Hello?� I ask. �Hi.� It is a chick! This happens sometimes and they usually hang up in less than two minutes (which doesn�t count into my average call length) so I suspect it is my bosses checking in to see I�m really doing what I�m supposed to. posted by 2004:08:13:10:57. STORE GUY, AGAIN. Fantasy X. Ding dong. �Hello?� �Hey, who�s this?� �Kelly. Who�s this?� �Oh, hey, Kelly. This is Jay. We�ve talked before.� �We have??� �Yeah, I�m the guy who tries to get women to take advantage of him by giving them money.� posted by 2004:07:28:12:10. Wednesday. 70 CENTS ON THE DOLLAR. So this guy calls me up and tells me that he works all night, comes home, watches some pornos, jacks off, and goes to bed. He doesn�t usually have to call me (ie. this line), because there are some hookers that come around his place of work during his shift. But sadly, last night inclement weather kept the hookers away. posted by 2004:07:09:14:33. Friday. CLETUS. Fantasy G. This means it can be 15 minutes long and NOT EXPLICT. I answer the ding dong with my �Hello???� and hear a man with a really thick Indian accent on the other end. Right off, he tells me he wants to bend me over and do me in my butthole. This is trouble, I try to slow him down by asking his name, asking about his cock, you know, sexy but not SEX. He answers my questions but always goes back to doing me in my butthole. And not just doing me. Bending me over a desk and pounding me until I bleed. He wants to hurt me. Calls like this used to really upset me but now I use them to try and learn. posted by 2004:07:02:13:21. Friday. WELCOME TO THE MAIN MENU. Sometimes in the middle of it all, I hear BEEP BEEP BEEP in my ear as the guy punches at his telephone number pad. I used to get pissed and say, �You have to hang up to get a new girl,� which is true. But I got to thinking and today when this guy who seemed totally into me being 23 and cute and bubbly started BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP in my ear I thought, �Fuck you, I�m a phone actress,� and in my best automaton voice said, �Welcome to the main menu.� posted by 2004:07:01:17:55. Thursday. VITAMIN S. Local Call. That means it can be explicit, maximum of 15 minutes long, and I have no idea what he is looking for. So, here I go� The guy has a real feminine voice and he starts telling me about how he has fallen in love with a girl on the line (yes, a phone girl). He loves her so much and tonight they are finally going to meet! They both live in the city (New York) and he is going to meet her tonight at work and then they are going to go to a hotel that she insisted on paying for. posted by 2004:06:29:12:42. Tuesday. HOW TO CALL PHONE SEX. Ever flip through the newpaper personal ads and see all those luscious women staring at you and wonder what it is like to talk to them? Don�t lie, I know you have. In case you ever give into temptation, here are a few tips: posted by 2004:06:19:21:08. Saturday. SUPER MARIO. Local call. That means the longest it can last is 15 minutes and it can be explicit. These calls are weird, I wish I knew what the ad was that they are responding to. This guy sounded pretty young and wasn�t really giving me many clues to what he wanted so I was fishing like crazy. posted by 2004:06:02:17:57. Wednesday. ARE YOU COMPLETELY FUCKING DERANGED? So I�m talking to this guy. He called the Fantasy X line, so we were chatting away about him fucking the shit out of me. I don�t really even remember the specifics of the first 30 minutes of the call, just that it was going well (ie. long). So at the 5 minutes left warning tone, I interrupted the �action� to tell him that we were going to get cut off soon and that I wanted to give him my extension number so he could call me back if we got disconnected. Most callers are very familiar with the extension number system and ask you for it if they like you and do call back. This guy told me he was outside but was going inside to get pen and paper. It sounded like he completely closed up shop to go do this task. That�s kind of weird, most times it sounds like the guy scribbles the number on the closest thing available. He tells me he is ready. posted by 2004:05:26:21:45. Wednesday. IS POO SEXY? Is poo sexy? I don�t think so, but seems to me that a lot of my callers find it a huge turn on. They want to lick my ass after I�ve shit, or reach their tongues into my ass to feel my turds. They love to feel it squish on their dick and some even like to eat it. This one guy was super turned on by poo � he actually asked me to say these things to him: �Lick my ass and taste my lunch.� �Fuck my ass after I blow diarrhea.� �Pick the peanuts out of my shit and eat them!� So I did. And he came. And believe it or not, I didn�t laugh until after the call was over. Guess I�m a real grown-up phone girl now.
posted by 2004:05:04:17:45. Tuesday. PHONE GIRLS AREN'T LOOKING FOR DATES. Sunday, 4:50 pm. Fantasy X. So, I was on the phone Sunday afternoon and this guy calls up and asks me where I�m from. Oh my gosh! We are from the same city! No way! Can you believe it? And no, he�s never called phone sex before, this is his FIRST TIME! posted by 2004:04:23:13:54. Friday. PLASTIC LIVING SEX DOLL. 7:24pm Legs X. I don�t get the �Legs� prompt very often, so I made a special note of it in my book so that I would remember to tell him I�m taller than I usually tell my callers I am. It usually goes like this: �Hmmm, baby. Tell me what you look like.� And I tell them what I look like. �I�m 5�2�, I have long light brown hair, and blue eyes with long dark lashes.� But tonight I told him that I was 5�9� and had nice long legs. He asked where I live and what I do, and asked if I liked to be creative and role-play. You know me, I LOVE to role-play. He tells me he has a couple in mind that we could act out, describes them to me and I pick the �we are in a massage parlor� scenario, thinking that he was going to come to me for a rub down. I was very wrong. posted by 2004:04:18:22:01. Sunday. WHAT ABOUT ME? So this guy calls me up and we start chatting about this and that, where we�re from, what I look like, and that this is his first time calling a line like this. Hmmm, oh really? I rarely believe anything they say. Well, anyways, I start to lead him through it, ask him what I would see if I came into his room right now. He tells me I would see him lying on his bed in his boxers. I tell him I feel way overdressed and he suggests I take off my clothes. I tell him I�m naked now and ask him what part of me he goes for first. posted by 2004:04:12:18:09. Monday. I DARE YOU TO DARE ME. One time I told my boyfriend that some of my callers tell me that they are going to perform cunnilingus and then proceed to slurp and lick and smack their lips. After laughing about how silly those guys must look, he said I should try and get a caller to hum while they pretending to cunnilingus-ing, that THAT would be REALLY FUNNY. I accepted the challenge, and everytime I got off the phone, he would ask if I got anyone to hum. posted by 2004:04:05:15:51. Monday. NOT YOU AGAIN. Sunday night. Flat 15 X was the prompt. That means that the person bought a 15 minute block of time outright instead of getting charged by the minute. But that�s all I get, a one or two word prompt that helps me identify what kind of ad the caller is responding to. Flat 15 gives me nothing. Ding Dong. I say hello and start up my little spiel and try to see what this guy is into. He tells me he is in his kitchen (which I think is weird) and try to probe to see if he has some kind of kitchen fetish. Well, after about 2.5 min he says, �You know what? You just aren�t doing it for me. You are just trying to lead me through shit and that is insulting to me.� (I really can�t understand this guy at all, if I was going to insult him, I�d probably just laugh and laugh and laugh my evil laugh that he is calling PHONE SEX, hello?!?!) posted by 2004:04:02:08:16. Friday. PHONE ACTING = PHONE SEX. You've probably never called phone sex, but I bet you wonder what happens on the line. Never fear, I'll save you 69 cents a minute by reporting to you the craziest calls I get as a phone actress. Be warned, there may be explict language.... So this guy calls me up, demands my name, and asks if I have a problem with taking advantage of men. I follow the cardinal rule of phone acting and say �No, I don�t have a problem with that.� posted by |